The Rogue Bride
by Rogue238
Summary: Tagfic by Rogue238 and Cat2Fat900! All consuming insanity awaits in this evotized version of The Princess Bride. Four Directors! Rated T to be safe. Please Read and Review.
1. Preproduction

**Disclaimer: Yeah right, like we own anything. . . You really think we'd be writing this here? Very funny. Rogue238 does own Raven and Lightning.**

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Author's Notes:

Cat2Fat900: And as most of you SHOULD know, I'm CF. Um…duh. Insanity ahoy! Savvy?

Rogue238: This is the story of The Princess Bride... if it was done by the cast of X-Men Evolution. Yes, and you'll probably see many more of these tagfics between us from time to time. Lol. Oh, I will be called TM in this story, so no one is too confused about too many Rogues. If you are confused anyway, read Oops. In case anyone has not read my parodies, Raven and Lightning are dating. Raven is the daughter of Rogue and Gambit and looks a lot like Mystique.

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**The Princess Bride**

**Preproduction:**

The cast of X-Men Evolution meander into the studio unhappily. Here they are about to do another play with four directors…wait, _four_ directors?

"Why are there four director's chairs?" Rogue says in absolute shock. "Isn't it enough that we come here at all, but four directors? Isn't two enough?"

"Calm down, chere," Remy says lightly. "Remy's sure it'll all be fine."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," a voice says from the doorway.

"CF!" Pyro shouts and runs over to give her a big bear hug. He twirls her around while she laughs and almost drops her Pepsi. "Am Oy gonna be a director, too?"

"I'm sorry," she sighs. "Not this time. Four directors are quite enough, but you _do_ get an awesome part in the thing."

"Well," Jean says hesitantly. "If Pyro isn't a director…then who is?"

"Oh, the others should be here in 3…2…1…"

"Hello!" a woman says as she enters with Raven and Lightning. All of them are drinking Dr. Pepper.

"Not them! Anyone but them!" Evan screams.

"Hi, TM!" CF says waving at the young woman.

"Hello, CF!" TM says waving back.

"I'm CF," Cat2Fat900 says to Raven and Lightning.

"I _know_ who you are," Raven says coldly.

"Would you at least _try_ to be nice?" Lightning pleads.

"Uh, no," Raven retorts. "Since when have_ I _ever been accused of being _nice_?"

TM and CF laugh at that remark and Raven turns to them.

"You know I _was_ in a good mood before."

"Didn't last very long did it?" Lightning asks, making TM and CF laugh harder.

"There are way too many initials around here!" Tabby exclaims trying to stop the fight before Lightning is thrown through a wall. She points at CF. "You're Cat2Fat900. We all know you, and we DEFINITELY know them!" She points at Raven and Lightning. "But who in the world is she!" Tabby then points to TM.

"Uh, nevermind. Let's work on casting the play." TM says quickly. The four directors take their seats in this order, CF, TM, Raven, and then Lightning.

"This, like, might actually be fun," Kitty states.

CF and TM look at each other nervously. They whisper to themselves.

"What's the worst she can do?"

"Phase us halfway into something. . ."

"But she's too nice to do that!"

"Can you really be so sure?"

"Well, Raven is here…and she _does_ have to protect us."

"Really? Since when?"

"Since I wrote it down on the clipboard."

"Oh, okay."

"Actually Kitty," TM starts,

"We don't have a part for you." CF finishes.

"What!" The little cat looks rather angry. But Piotr tries to calm her down.

"Buttercup will be played by Rogue." Lightning begins.

"Figures." Rogue groans. "Stick meh in a dress again."

"It'll be fine, chere, as long as dey cast Westley correctly," Remy says, glaring at the directors.

"Since when have any of us been fans of anything other than Romy?" TM claims.

"Of course Remy gets to be Westley," CF states.

"And Scott will be Prince Humperdinck." Raven says with an evil grin.

"And Magneto will be the King." Lightning continues.

"Making Mystique the Queen," TM says cheerfully.

"What?" Mystique spits her coffee out. "I can see being Magneto's wife. . . but Scott's mother! I think I'm going to be sick."

"Me too." Scott chimes.

"Relax," CF says. "You're just his stepmother. And Evan will be the Head of the Guard."

"Finally, a good part!" Evan squeals.

"You've never seen this movie have you?" Lightning asks dryly.

"Uh, no…"

"That's what I thought."

"You think we'd honestly give you a good part?" CF laughs. "As if."

Lightning continues.

"Now, that leaves. . . Kurt as Count Ru. . . Count R. . Oh well, we'll just be calling you Count Wagner anyway. You know who I mean, the six fingered man."

"Oh yeah, zat guy. Hey, zat's a bad guy!" Kurt complains.

"Yes, but who really cares, dear Uncle?" Raven says. "Pietro, you'll be the albino, for obvious reasons."

"And Piotr will be Fezzik." TM says.

"Logan will be Inigo Montoya," Lightning says, reading off his clipboard.

"Lucky me," Logan grumbles.

"You get to slash stuff. Be thankful," TM says.

"But—"

"Do you want me to get the shock device again?" Raven asks sweetly. Logan subsides.

"Hey, you promised me a good part, sheila!" Pyro complains.

"Yup, you get one of the best parts in the play," CF says. "You get to be Vizzini."

Both Pyro and CF start laughing insanely.

Raven leans in towards TM,

"Are you sure it was a good idea to put those two in the same room?"

"Don't worry about it, Rave," is the answer. "And hmm, Jean, you want a part?"

"Yes!" Jean says indignantly.

"Okay, good. You get to be the old hag in Buttercup's dream." TM says smiling.

"What!"

"It's fitting," TM replies.

"But—"

"Moving on," CF says, having calmed down. "Bobby will be the medicine man."

"And Jubilee will play his wife," Raven adds. The two mutant teens shrug. It could be worse.

"Who are we forgetting…?" TM asks absently.

"Ooh, the Grandfather…" CF says, "which will be played by Professor Xavier of course."

"The Grandson, which will be played by Jamie," Lightning adds.

"The Mother," Raven continues, "will be played by Ororo."

"Jamie looks nothing like Ororo." Bobby says.

"Shut up, Bobby." TM snaps. "Oh yeah, the Priest! Forge gets to play the priest. You'll need to work on his speech impediment."

"I'll get on that!" Forge hurries off to his techy area. A crash immediately sounds and everyone winces.

"Oh, and one last part…" Lightning reads, "The Random Guard from the Thieves' Forest that gets knocked out by Fezzik will be played by Lance."

Piotr gets a very large grin on his face.

Lance gulps. "Great…"

Kitty is pouting. Piotr tries to cheer her up. Lance throws a banana cream pie that happens to be sitting on the buffet table at Piotr. It hits him dead on in the face.

"This means var!" Piotr shouts. "Vait a second, who put Cayenne Pepper on zis pie?"

Everyone looks at Raven.

"Hey, it wasn't me this time!"

She looks at Gambit, who has his hands behind his back, rocking back and forth and humming the innocent hum of the not-so-innocent. "What?" he asks as everyone turns to him.

"What is wrong with you, Gambit?" Jean angrily starts. "Pie and Cayenne Pepper?"

"Don't knock it 'til you try it." Raven quips.

"You are impossible!" Jean continues her rant.

"Don't call him that!" Rogue yells, getting in Jean's face.

"You've called him that plenty of times!"

"Yeah! Ah can. You can't!" Rogue shouts.

"And they aren't dating?" Magneto says to Xavier about Rogue and Gambit before he winces as Rogue pours a gallon of milk over Jean's head.

"Aah!" Jean screams.

"1, 2, 3," the directors all count, "Here let me help you," they say at once, handing Jean four plates of cookies.

"No!" Scott gives his trademark girlish scream, running from the studio. "Not that! Anything but that!"

The directors all laugh very hard and get up to leave until the next time.

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**Now review, or be hunted down by an army of angry Evil Pyromaniac Squirrels Of Doom and Slightly Insane Plot Fairies. They will haunt your every dream with their insanity and evilness. They will never let you rest until you push the little button to review!**


	2. Chapter 1: As You Wish

**Disclaimer: What? CF and I own X-Men. . . ? Yeah, right. In our dreams. . .**

**Authors' Notes:**

**CF: **Why, I believe this is the first time I've seen/done a parody beginning with uber fluffy Romyness! Now, excuse me, I have to hide from Rogue…

**Rogue238: **I'm really confused about the state of the Reviews situation. Please explain. . . Besides that, This is so fun! You just got to keep reading.

**Normally, we'd answer reviews here, but there seems to be a new rule against that! But thanks to everyone who reviewed, sorry we can't respond!**

**The Rogue Bride**

**Chapter 1- As You Wish**

"People! Get ready!" TM calls. She takes a sip of her Dr. Pepper. "Oh yeah, and Rogue, we're not calling you Buttercup."

"Thank Gawd. Ah'd have ta kill all o' y'."

"What's wrong with Buttercup?" Fred asks. "She's my favorite PowerPuff."

Rogue just rolls her eyes.

"Go backstage…Rahne and Amara'll give you the dress," CF says. Rogue groans at the thought of being shoved in another princess-y dress, but she goes backstage.

"Did you get Scott's clothes yet?" CF asks eagerly.

Lightning shakes his head. "No, unfortunately. You can never trust the postal service, you know that."

"I know," CF grumbles.

"Remy!" Raven yells once she sees him on the stage. "You have to take the trench coat OFF!"

"But Remy—"

"Don't start with the 'I never take this coat off' thing!" Raven snaps and starts shouting unmentionable phrases at him in Creole. Remy sighs and takes off the coat.

"How are we going to make them touch?" TM muses. "After all, there's a LOT of kissing in these first scenes."

"Anyone got a power negater?" CF calls. Forge walks up holding a bracelet.

"Well…it doesn't exactly work that well, you know," he says. "It only negates powers for about 5 seconds before it has to be recharged. And… it takes an hour to recharge."

"Typical," Raven mutters, "but we'll take what we can get." She grabs the power negater.

"Okay, people—"

"Places," Raven snaps, cutting off CF.

"Calm down," Lightning mutters.

Raven's eyes flash. "Calm down? Do you WANT to be thrown through a wall?"

"Maybe I do."

"Maybe I'll pick a steel one this time."

"Shutting up now."

"Thank you."

CF sticks the all-important Piece Of Black Paper (aka POBP) in front of the camera as everyone gets on stage. The four directors all grin evilly.

"3…2…1…ACTION!" They all shout at the same time. Scott screams and faints as the four directors snicker evilly.

"Absolute power is fun."

The scene shows Jamie sitting in bed, trying to play a video game, though he keeps coughing. The door opens and Ororo walks in, placing her hand against his forehead.

"How do you feel?"

"Not so good," Jamie mumbles.

"Well, I've got some good news for you, child," Ororo says kindly.

"Scott and Jean are dead?" Ororo shoots him a look.

"Your grandpa's here!"

"Mom," Jamie whines, "can't you tell him I'm _sick_?"

"That's WHY he's here," Ororo says.

"But he'll do the creepy finger thing! I hate that!"

"Oh, nonsense—"

"Hey! How's my favorite grandson!" The Professor, being oddly cheery, bursts into the room on his wheelchair through the door.

"Hypothetically, I'm your only grandson," Jamie mutters. "AAH!" He yells as the Professor steeples his fingers.

"I hate that," CF mutters.

"Me too," Raven, Lightning, and TM say at the same time. Scott begins to twitch madly, muttering something about synchronized sentences.

"I told you so," Jamie says, glancing triumphantly at Ororo. She ignores it and leaves the room.

"I think I'll leave you two alone…" As the door shuts, there is an Uncomfortable Silence.

"I brought you something," the professor hands Jamie a wrapped present.

"A book? Wow…um…thank you?" Sarcasm is lost on the professor.

"When I was your age, television was called books."

"When you were my age…I don't even wanna THINK about that."

"Thank you, Jamie, but as I was saying—"

"Does it have any sports in it?"

"Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles."

"Uh, true love isn't a—"

"Stop interrupting me." Jamie grumbles a while, but finally shrugs.

"I'll try and stay awake."

"Well, thank you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming." He opens the book.

"The Rogue Bride, by…some guy whose name I can't pronounce."

Using one of Forge's holographic…things, the scene on the stage fades away. It now shows a Vast European Countryside with rolling hills of green grass and tall trees. Then, it zooms in on a small country farm.

"Rogue was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin," the Professor is speaking through a microphone Forge has set up.

"Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Remy, but she never called him that."

"Isn't that a great beginning?"

"No, not really," Jamie says, also through a microphone. "It was—"

"Oh, shut up," the Professor says, "I'm a senile bald telepath. Humor me."

Raven clears her throat from the director chair. They continue.

"Nothing gave Rogue as much pleasure as snapping at Remy and ordering him around."

"Yeah, don' Remy know it," the Cajun mutters. The scene switches to Rogue, who is standing in the background holding the reins of her horse. FYI, the horse is really Ray/Rob. Ray as the head and Rob as the tail.

"Swamp rat, polish the horse's saddle—Ah want ta see mah face shinin' in it by mornin'."

"An' what a _belle_ face it is, chere," Remy whispers. Rogue blushes slightly, realizing her lack of makeup.

Raven looks furious. "It's THREE WORDS Gambit! Don't you DARE stray from the script!" She places her hand on one of the wooden chairs scattered around and it blows up. Remy swallows and nods. He knows she has fewer reservations about using her powers than other mutants.

"As y' wish," he says quietly. Rogue turns and walks off-stage.

"Ya know, Jean would be a whole lot betteh fer this role," Rogue says. "She's stuck-up, snobbish…"

"HEY!"

"Don't deny the truth!" Everyone else, bar Scott, shouts. Said 'Fearless Leader' whimpers.

"Yeah, but why would any of us want to produce a JOTT?" CF asks.

"Good point." Raven coughs and reminds the other three directors with a glare that the drama is still going on onstage.

Rogue drops two large buckets by Remy, who is in the act of chopping wood.

"Swamp rat, fill these with water—" he looks up at her and she is caught in his red-on-black stare. "Please," she adds, before turning and walking away. One of the many uses of makeup is to hide embarrassed blushes, and she's not wearing any makeup.

"As y' wish," he says, staring at her. She turns back to look at him and he manages to look away. Over the microphone, the Professor begins to talk again.

"That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he meant was, 'I love you.'"

The scene changes to Rogue standing in the kitchen. Remy comes in and drops a load of firewood. One piece rolls off the stage and hits Evan. Raven and Lightning turn to look at the two other directors.

"Accident?" The dimension-hoppers ask. Scott twitches.

TM and CF look at each other. "Uh…yeah, let's go with that!" Scott twitches again.

Up on stage, Rogue turns away from the camera and closes her eyes in dread, knowing what's coming next and not wanting everyone there to hear it.

"And even more amazing was the day she realized that she truly loved him back." Rogue rolls her eyes as she hears snickering from the audience.

"Swamp rat? Get me tha' pitcher…" she points to something anyone with an arm could reach. Not very subtle, but hey! Whoever said true love was subtle?

Remy comes VERY close to her (a bit closer than he needs to) and hands her the pitcher. They are gazing into each other's eyes.

"As y' wish," Remy says. It's not in the script (so normally it would tick the directors off, but it IS Romy after all), but he adds in a wink that makes Rogue blush.

"Hold it!" TM yells. Lightning pauses the camera for a second. Forge hands the bracelet to Rogue. She puts it on and they quickly move to the next scene.

"Ah can't believe y'all are making me do this!" Rogue growls.

"Oh, come on, cherie, it can't be dat bad." Gambit says grinning. "C'est moi dat y' be kissing after all."

"That's WHY Ah'm so upset!" Rogue snaps.

Raven glares at them. "If you do not start kissing each other passionately in the next two seconds, I'm going to show each one of you the other's dream from last night!"

Rogue and Gambit start kissing very passionately, with their arms around each other and they are both lost in the embrace. They are so happy as they kiss that they almost forget they are surrounded by the entire cast of X-Men Evolution. Two seconds later, they are interrupted as…

The scene switches back to the room. Jamie crosses his arms and glares at the Prof.

"Is this a—" he shudders realistically, "_kissing_ book?"

"Well, true love usually involves kissing—"

"You'd know that how?"

"Eh…good point. Just…shut up and listen, the good parts are coming soon."

"Remy had no money for marriage—" Rogue gives a little yelp at the word 'marriage'.

"I'd jus' steal it," Remy mutters. Raven, angry, use her telekinesis to mentally shove him. He stumbles a bit, but goes back to doing what he's supposed to be doing.

"So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea."

Now the scene shows Remy holding Rogue tightly. Both are perfectly happy—Rogue's just the one trying to hide it.

"It was a very emotional time for Rogue—"

"I don't _believe_ this," Jamie mutters.

"Ah fear Ah'll nevah see ya again," Rogue says, tears coming into her eyes at the thought of him actually dying.

"'Course y' will, _chere_."

"What if somethang happens ta ya?"

"Hear dis now. I will come f'r y'."

"How can ya be _sure_?"

Remy smiles at her. "Dis is true love…y' t'ink dis happen every day?" His smile grows wider when Rogue smiles back and throws her arms around him. They kiss, and again, both of them are more than happy with the arrangement.

"Remy didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Sinister, who never left captives alive. When Rogue got the news that Remy was dead—"

"Murdered by pirates is great! Can we introduce Scott and Jean to the pirates?"

"Good idea!" CF says brightly, taking out a notepad and scribbling it down. TM peers over her shoulder. The whole pad is dedicated to 'Creative Ways to Torture Characters'.

"I really don't think we should have got her for this…" Lightning mutters.

"I completely agree…" Raven groans.

"She went into her room, and didn't sleep or eat for days," the Professor continues. The camera shows Rogue's face. She's not crying, but her face is set and sad. So, basically, it's the same face Rogue usually wears, without the makeup.

"Ah will nevah love again".

Enter the POBP. Everyone hurries to the stage, even Kitty, as an Unimportant Townsperson. Rogue is looking down, fiddling with her gloves. Forge comes up and takes the bracelet away, and she looks after it a bit sadly.

Forge shrugs, "It's got to charge…"

"Okay, hurry up!" Raven yells. "Won't get anything done by just standing around!"

The Professor begins again.

"Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Scooterdinck's bride-to-be."

Everyone falls over laughing at Scott's name. Scott's jaw nearly hits the floor. Magneto and Mystique, quietly snickering, are behind him, and Kurt is also laughing next to him.

"In a month, it will be the 500th birthday of this city."

"Scooter knows how to count. Wow." CF cries, laughing.

"I will be choosing a lady as a bride who was once a commoner like yourselves—" he shivers under the angry glare of Jean, and telepathically reminds her that it was the directors who cast him.

"—but perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her?"

Everyone yells yes. A figure appears behind a curtained place. Everyone looks towards it. Rogue slowly walks out in be-a-UT-iful dress that has Remy trying to scrape his jaw off the ground. She slowly looks around.

"I give you, the Princess Rogue!" Everyone suddenly drops to their knees among several painful yelps. Rogue looks around. She is beautiful (Remy can't take his eyes off her), but she looks sad. She's thinking about what would happen if she'd never met Remy. All three telepaths smirk knowingly. The Professor clears his throat, causing a buzz of static and death glares from all four directors.

"According to the law of the land, Prince Scooterdinck—" everyone snorts, "could choose whichever bride he wanted." The Professor pauses for Dramatic Effect.

"But she did not love him."

"CUT! That's a wrap, people!" Raven calls. She smirks at Lightning as they see Rogue, with a very red face, rush off.

"I can't wait for the next chapter!" CF cheers.

"Why?" TM asks. "Oh. Let me guess. It's got Pyro?"

"Yep!" CF smiles brightly. "_And_ the Cliffs of Insanity!"

"Ya know what, CF?" TM says, patting her on the top of the head. "I think you fell off the edge of those cliffs a very, _very_ long time ago."

"Why thank you. Thank you very much."

**Stay tuned for the introduction of our three villains-later-turned-dead-or-hero! Logan working for Pyro! Piotr rhyming! The shrieking eels and the cliffs of INSANITY! **

**Review threats here:**

**From CF: Review and also see if you can sign the petition that's been floating around about review responses! WE SHALL FIGHT BACK DANGIT!**

**From TM: Please review or, or. . . We'll cry. . . and then we'll write more and more nonsense until it drives you all insane like us. :)**


	3. Chapter 2: The Capture

**Disclaimer: Is the sky green? No. Is the air made of red jello? No. Do CF or TM own X-Men Evolution or The Princess Bride? NO!**

**Authors' Notes:**

**CF: I'm going to Arizona for 9 days, so don't hound me for updates.**

**Rogue238:**Let's go fly a kite, up to the highest heights. . . oh wait, I hate that movie!

**Until we are sure about the Review rule, we'll wait. . . Thank you all for reviewing. :)**

**The Rogue Bride**

**Chapter 2 – The Capture**

The directors sit glaring as the brotherhood are throwing eggs at the X-Men. But they aren't interrupting since the eggs are mostly hitting Scott and Evan. One of them has hit Jean, but other than that, Scott and Evan are feeling the worst of it.

"Can't you make them stop?" Evan cries cowardly.

"No!" all the directors yell at once.

Scott screams and curls up like a little baby.

"Somebody get him a pacifier," Raven orders.

"I'm not a baby!" Scott shouts, stamping his foot in a very Jean-like manner.

"Which just proves my lady's point," Lightning says with a raised eyebrow.

TM smiles lovingly at Lightning. "Isn't he cute." she says.

CF pats her on her head. "Enough, you'll make Raven mad."

"Don't want to do that," TM says, turning her head away. Raven's eyes had already begun to glow. "How about we just get on with the script, okay?"

"Good idea." Raven says through clenched teeth.

"I'm _so_ happy!" CF squeals, thinking about Pyro in tights. "Places everyone! Lights! Camera! Action!"

Rogue is riding her horse through a beautiful woodland. Rob and Ray are once again the horse and they are fighting, making Rogue very mad.

"Why did _you_ get to be the head?"

"I don't know! Maybe because I'm not _stubborn_ like you, Crisp!"

"Well at least I'm not _ugly _like you, DaCosta!"

"Some people would think differently! I mean, you dyed your hair _orange_!"

"I like orange!"

"Well I don't!"

"QUIET DOWN!" Raven finally yells.

Offstage, through the microphone, Xavier's voice once again is heard, "Despite Scooterdinck's reassurance," everyone has to stifle a laugh at Scott's nickname again, "that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride."

Rogue rides into a wooded glen where a beautiful sunset is just beginning. It is quiet, other than the sound of Rob and Ray bickering again. Rogue suddenly reins in, causing Ray to fall on top of Rob.

"A word, moy lady?" asks a strange Australian voice. CF grins happily. Before Rogue stand Pyro, dressed in a rather ridiculous outfit, Piotr, in an equally ridiculous outfit, and Logan, growling about electric shock devices in ridiculous costumes. Beyond them is a river. "We are but poor, lost circus performers." He laughs. "Is there a village nearby, sheila?"

"There ain't nothin' nearby; not fer miles." Rogue says.

"Then there will be no one ta hear you scream!" Pyro says with evil laughter. He nods to Piotr, who reaches over and touches a nerve on Rogue's neck (making sure to cover his hand of course).

She starts to scream, but it never gets out, as she falls unconscious off the horse.

Lightning puts the All Important POBP in front of the camera.

"Hurry up!" Raven calls, still aggravated at TM.

Everyone runs to a scene near a huge river where a sailboat awaits. The POBP is removed.

The sun has nearly set now and Logan is busy getting the boat ready and growling about stupid telepaths and their stupid electric shock devices. Raven, just for fun, pushes the button. Logan starts twitching and CF glares at Raven. Raven shrugs, smiling widely.

Piotr carries Rogue, who is still pretending to be unconscious, onto the boat. Pyro is ripping bits of fabric off of a uniform and sticking it to Rogue's saddle.

"Whatcha ripping?" Logan asks, having recovered.

"It's fabric from a uniform of an Army officer of Guilder," Pyro says, not looking up.

"Who's Guilder?" Piotr asks.

Pyro is frustrated. He points across the river. "The country across the sea. The sworn enemy of Florin!" He looks at the horse's saddle and thinks there are enough scraps of fabric, so he hits the back hard and Rob jumps up, screaming. The boys try to run as fast as they can offstage. "Go!" Pyro screams at the horse. Everyone boards the boat. "Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When 'e finds her body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed." He once again starts laughing insanely.

"You never said anything about killing anyone." Piotr complains.

"Oy've hired you ta help me start a war, mate. It's a _prestigious_ line of work with a _long_ and _glorious_ tradition!" Pyro says insanely, really getting into his part so he can impress CF and maybe Wanda.

"I just do not think it is right, killing an innocent girl." Piotr says, shaking his head.

Pyro whirls around to face Piotr. "Am Oy going mad, don't answer that, or did the word 'think' just come out of your mouth? It's in the script!" Pyro says fearfully, looking at the angry expression on Piotr's face. "You weren't hired for your brains, ya hippopotamic land mass. Hey what does tha mean?"

"It's not a real word, John," Raven groans. "You're just comparing Piotr to a hippopotamus."

"Oh, okay." he says cheerfully. Piotr does not look so happy.

"I agree with Piotr." Logan snarls.

Pyro is really angry now, "Oh, the sot has spoken. What happens to the sheila is not really your concern, mate. Oy will kill her." His voice grows louder, "And remember this, never forget this…" He advances on Logan, who shows no fear, but only mild annoyment, "When Oy found ya, you were so slobbering drunk you couldn't buy brandy!" He turns to Piotr, who is trying to look afraid. "And you! Friendless, _brainless_, helpless, hopeless…do ya want me to send ya back to where ya were…_ unemployed_…in Russia!"

While Pyro is turning around and heading to another part of the boat, Logan is sliding up next to Piotr. Piotr looks very hurt, as Logan casts off.

"That Johnny, he can _fuss_…" Logan says softly.

Piotr looks at Logan, "fuss…fuss…I think he likes to scream at_ us_."

"Probably he means no_ harm_," Logan says.

"He is really very short on _charm_," Piotr rhymes happily.

"Bub, you've got a great gift for rhyme," Logan says proudly.

"Yes, yes, some of the time," Piotr answers, smiling.

Pyro whirls on them, "Enough of that!"

Logan just ignores him. "Piotr, are there rocks ahead?"

"If there are ve vill all be dead." Piotr says loudly.

"No more rhymes now! Oy mean it!" Pyro says, actually enjoying the rhymes, but since his character doesn't…

"Anybody vant a peanut?" Piotr asks, making Pyro scream from rage.

The scene cuts to the boat, further along. It's darker now. Logan is at the helm, Piotr is standing near Rogue, whose eyes flutter, Pyro sits absolutely still, dreaming of his precious fire.

Suddenly, Pyro looks up and says, "I love fire."

Raven growls, "Stick to the script or I'll take your flame thrower away!"

Pyro yelps. CF looks horrified, "You can't do that!"

"I've done it before." Raven says flatly.

"But…but…"

"No buts!"

Pyro then says to Logan, "We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn."

Logan nods and glances back.

"Why are ya doing that, mate?"

"Makin' sure nobody's followin' us."

"That would be _inconceivable_."

Rogue, having been awake for a while, speaks up, "despite whatcha think, y'all _will_ be caught. And when ya _are_, the Prince'll see all y'all hanged."

Pyro turns to Rogue coldly, "Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one ya should be worrying about is your own."

Logan keeps staring behind them.

"Stop doing that!" Pyro shouts. "We can all relax. It's almost over!"

"You're sure nobody's followin' us, bub?" Logan asks.

"As Oy told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, _inconceivable_. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast. Out of curiosity, mate, why do you ask?" Pyro rants.

Logan shrugs. "No reason. It's just, I happened to look behind us and something is there."

"What?" Pyro exclaims and rushes to the back of the boat. Piotr follows and the three men stare into the blackness.

The wind howls, the darkness is strong. Ororo forgets to blow the clouds away. She's behind the set talking to Hank. When suddenly, she feels a tap on her shoulder. "Um, Storm?" Lightning says.

"Yes, child?"

"_Back to work_!"

The wind then parts the clouds and allows light to pass through and shine on a dark, black boat.

"Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night through eel-infested waters…" Pyro tries to explain.

SPLASH! Rogue has jumped off the side of the boat and is swimming steadily away.

Pyro screams, "Go in! Get after her!"

"I don't swim," lies Logan. "What? Adamantium bones ain't flotation devices, bub."

"I only dog paddle," Piotr says, making the hand movements to match.

"Veer left! Left! Left!" Pyro cries furiously.

Rogue is swimming fiercely until a strange shriek is heard in the water. She stops suddenly.

Pyro calls after her, "You know what that sound is, sheila? Those are the Shrieking Eels! If you doubt me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh!" He laughs insanely.

Rogue stays still. The sound grows louder and though she is visibly afraid, she will not budge. "Better ta get eaten than have ta marry Scott," she mutters. Raven would normally have a cow, but she lets it go on the grounds that it's a very true statement.

"If ya swim back now, Oy promise no harm will come ta ya. Oy doubt you'll get such an offer from the eels." Pyro says.

The shrieking sound is louder still, but she doesn't make a sound. Behind her now, something dark, metallic, and gigantic slithers past. She looks scared, but she makes no reply, and now a Shrieking Eel has zeroed in on her, and now she sees it, a short distance away, circling, starting to close, and Rogue is frozen, trying not to make a movement of any kind, and the Mechanical Eel slithers closer, closer, and now the Eel opens its mouth wide, and it's never made such a noise, and as its great jaws are about to clamp down..

Professor Xavier's voice sounds over the microphone, "She doesn't get eaten by the Eel at this time."

Lightning places the POBP in front of the camera as they switch back to Jaime's bedroom.

"What?" Jamie asks, somewhat startled by the switch to reality.

"The Eel doesn't get her. I'm explaining to you because you looked nervous, or stupid."

"I'm not stupid! And who wouldn't be nervous around a senile bald telepath?" Jamie yells in frustration.

"Jamie!" CF shouts, waving the script and trying desperately not to laugh her mouth off.

"Oh, fine. Maybe I was a little concerned, but that's not the same thing!"

"Because I can stop now if you want."

"Please do," Jaime mutters, and then sighs. "No, you could read a bit more because it says so in the script."

The scene cuts back to Pyro saying, "You know what that sound is, sheila? Those are the Shrieking Eels."

Then it cuts back to Jaime's room again, "We're past that, Grandpa! You read it already."

"Oh, Oh my Pixie Stix, so I did. I'm sorry, beg your pardon." He starts flipping pages.

The scene goes back to the boat. Rogue is sitting in the water and the Mechanical Eel is there as well. Everything is going in super fast speed as the Professor reads his lines into the microphone. "All right, all right, let's see. Uh, she was in the water, the Eel was coming after her. She was frightened. The Eel started to charge her. And then…"

The scene looks like it did before as the Eel is charging Rogue when suddenly and giant arm pounds the Eel unconscious and lifts Rogue back into the boat. Rogue's completely soaked and this causes several whistles from a certain Cajun. She glares at him from the stage.

"Put her down! Just put her down, ya bloke!" Pyro whines.

Logan points behind them. "I think he's getting closer."

"He's no concern of ours! Sail on!" Pyro yells. He turns to Rogue. "Oy suppose ya think your brave."

"Only compared ta some," Rogue answers.

The POBP returns as the lights are changed to make it look like dawn.

CF yawns. "This is getting to be a long chapter."

"Oh, and I'm so sure you're sick of watching Pyro in his tights." TM says sarcastically, making the younger girl to laugh hysterically and Wanda to glare angrily.

After the POBP is removed, we see the black boat, being sailed by a Man in Black, and not from the movie Men in Black either. More like Pirate Man in Black. The boat is almost flying.

Logan points at him again, "Look, he's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using?"

"Whoever he is, he's too late!" Pyro laughs and points, "see! The Cliffs of Insanity!"

The Cliffs loam in the distance, tall and foreboding.

"Nice name," CF mutters.

"And cut!" Lightning calls happily. "I love cliffhangers!"

"You also love to annoy people!" Raven grumbles.

"And you don't?" Lightning returns.

"I didn't say that!" Raven says loudly.

"They do this often?" CF asks.

"Every day." TM says.

Pyro runs up to CF. "How'd I do, sheila?"

"You were the best thing about this chapter!" she squeals. "Too bad you have to die next chapter…" she sighs.

"Die? Oi, Oy don't want to die!" he shouts.

Wanda rolls her eyes. "It's only in the play, you crazy freak!"

"Look who's talking," Jean mumbles.

The directors look at each other, "3… 2… 1…shut up, Jean!"

Scott screams and runs into his dressing room. He locks the door and starts to cry as the four directors laugh insanely.

Rogue grabs the keyboard from my hands, "HELP US! PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP US!"

**Next up, the Mysterious Man in Black must battle his three foes to win the fair Princess Rogue… **

**Review threats here:**

**From CF: What she said. . .**

**From TM: Beware! If you don't review! CF's Squirrels will come after you!**


	4. Chapter 3: Trial of Three

**Disclaimer: This is the part where we mindlessly drone on and on about how Marvel owns X-Men and William Goldman and the family of S. Morgenstern own The Princess Bride…yada yada yada… **

**Authoresses' Notes:**

Rogue238:I'm having a baby! My third child is expected on May 11, 2006. lol.

CF:! I'm back! ((dances)) And naturally, watch the insane one get stuck with the longest chapter right when she should be doing schoolwork and who knows what else. Not that you're not insane, TM, you're just…LESS insane. But anyway, why are you still reading this? Go! Read!

**Chapter 3- Trial of Three**

"LOGAN!" Raven yells angrily as the rest of the cast hurries around to set up the stage.

"What?" He asks, jumping and hiding the remote for the electric shock device in his costume behind his back.

"You know what," she snaps. She holds her hand out and the device flies to her hand. "Next time, Logan, I'll just use Mystique and send you somewhere very, very painful."

"The Realm of Rabid Fangirls works," CF calls, sipping her Pepsi. Logan pales drastically and hurries towards the stage, muttering furiously.

Up on the stage, a hologram projector of Forge's causes it to look like the Cliffs of Insanity are a lot higher and a lot more foreboding than they really are. Pyro, Rogue (her dress miraculously dry, much to Gambit's disappointment), Piotr, and Logan take their places as Lightning removes the All Important POBP.

"And… 3, 2, 1, ACTION!"

The cast ignores Scott's whimpers as the scene begins. The other, faster boat is chasing the boat that Rogue is on.

"It's a _ship_," Logan growls.

"Our copy of the script says boat!" TM calls.

"Now shut up," Raven adds.

"Hurry UP, mates! Move that…thing, no, the othah thing!"

"Wow, you're lots of help," Rogue mutters sarcastically, "but then again, Forge made this thing…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Forge yells from the tech area.

"It means be quiet before Raven gets annoyed and gets revenge on you all!"

"Really?"

"…No. Just _be quiet_!" Lightning pleads, seeing the look on Raven's face. Grudgingly, Forge shuts up. Pyro continues.

"We're safe! Only Piotr is strong enough to scale the cliffs! He'll have ta sail around fer HOURS til he finds a harbor." Piotr reaches up behind a rock and pulls out a rope. When he lets go, the camera shows that a, the rope reaches to the top, and b, the cliffs look…really, REALLY high.

Wolverine puts Pyro and Rogue in this weird…harness…thing, straps himself in, and Piotr begins climbing the rope. Pyro looks down and whimpers.

"It's so HIGH! Oy don't want ta die!"

"Idiot!" Wanda snaps. "You don't die on the cliffs!"

"Oy don't?"

"…You die much more strangely." Pyro groans.

"But Oy don't—"

"SHUT UP!" Raven and Lightning yell. Scott twitches and puts his head in his hand.

The Man In Black climbs out of his ship and starts climbing up the rope.

"Good thing that rope is made out of indestructible metal fibers," Forge remarks. "Otherwise, I don't even wanna THINK about it."

The Man In Black is moving fast, a lot faster than Piotr. He's practically flying up the rope. Of course, that could be due to the fact that he's lighter, more agile…and that he's got a wire attached to him that's pulling him up.

"He's climbin' the rope," Logan says. "And he's gettin' closer."

"Inconceivable!" Pyro yells.

Lightning manipulates the camera so that it shows the Man In Black, climbing really, really quickly. And gaining fast.

"FASTER, mate!" Pyro yells.

"I thought I vas going faster."

"Ya were supposed ta be this Colossus. Ya were this great, legendary strong guy. And yet he gains!

"Vell, I'm carrying three people, and vun of zhem has metal bones."

"Stick to the script!" CF and TM call. Scott runs away to his happy place.

"Oy do not accept excuses! Oy'll just have ta foynd meself a new giant."

"Don't say zhat, Johnny, please," Piotr says, and then mutters, "I know vhere you keep your extra lighters."

Pyro shuts up and CF glares.

"Calm down," TM says boredly. "It's not like he knows where you keep your lighters."

"Did Oy make it clear that ya JOB is at stake, mate?" Pyro says, watching the Man In Black climbing up even faster. Finally, the three of them reach the cliff top and get out of the weird…harness…thing.

Raven inserts the POBP as the scene changes. The platform the four of them are on sinks down into the floor, only showing the part of the cliffs that the Man In Black is climbing. Lightning removes the POBP.

Pyro takes out a knife and begins to cut the rope.

"I thought we took away all his sharp items," Magneto mutters. "Guess not."

Finally, Pyro, realizing that the rope is made of metal fibers, takes out a lighter and melts through it in a few seconds. The metal rope falls down to the ground and a loud 'clang' is heard. The four directors wince.

"We'll edit that out," TM says quickly, seeing Raven's annoyed glance at Forge. Up on stage, the camera hanging from the ceiling shows the Man In Black hanging on to the cliffs.

"He has very good arms," Piotr says, pretending to be impressed. Pyro looks over the edge.

"He didn't fall? INCONCEIVABLE!"

"Ya keep sayin' that word…I don't think it means what you think it means," Logan says.

"…Oy dunno wot it means." Everyone rolls their eyes. "Whoa! He's climbing!"

The Man In Black is 'climbing' slowly up the cliff face. In actuality, pretending to have a hard time climbing while supported by a wire.

"Whoever the bloke is, he's obviously seen us with the Princess an' must die. Carry the sheila, mate." He hands Rogue over to Piotr. "We'll head straight for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, foyne. If not, the sword!"

"I want ta duel him left-handed," Logan mutters.

"Ya KNOW wot a hurry we're in!"

"It's the only way I'll be satisfied, not like anyone cares," Wolverine says. "If I use my right, it's over too quickly." He is severely cursing electric shock collars right about now.

"Oh, 'ave it yer way, mate." John and Piotr, dragging Rogue along, start off-screen.

"Be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted," Piotr mutters.

"Oy'm waiting!" Piotr hurries after Pyro.

Logan watches them for a moment and then looks down at the Man in Black. The Man has not gotten very much higher. Logan hates waiting. He starts to pace. He extends his claws and retracts them.

The Man in Black is still climbing, but very slowly.

Logan is watching him and getting impatient. He walks away then turns around and walks back, "Hello, bub."

The Man in Black answers him with only a grunt.

"Slow going?" Logan asks.

The MIB looks up at him as if he's stupid and says, "Look, I don' mean t' be rude, but dis is not as easy as it looks. So, I'd appreciate it if y' wouldn't distract me."

Growling, Logan glances at Raven and decides to say the line, "Sorry."

"T'ank you."

Logan walks away, draws his sword and moves it as if he knows what he's doing. He goes to look down the cliff again, "I don't suppose ya could speed things up, huh?"

The MIB looks up at him and says rather sarcastically, "If y're in such a hurry, y' could lower a rope or a tree branch or find somet'in' useful to do."

Grinning, Logan responds, "I could do that. In fact, I've got some rope up here, bub. But I don't think you'll accept my help, since I'm only waiting around to kill ya."

"Dat does put a damper on our relationship." The MIB says, finding another hole to stick his hand in.

"But I promise I won't kill ya 'til ya reach the top."

"Dat's very comforting, but I'm afraid y'll just have to wait."

"I hate waiting," Logan growls. "I could give ya my word as a Canadian."

"No good, I've known too many Canadians." The MIB says, resting.

"Ya don't know any way you'll trust me, bub?" Logan says, extending his claws.

"Well, dat certainly doesn't help." The MIB says.

Logan retracts them and glances nervously at Raven whose hands are just above the button on the remote. "Sorry," he mouths.

"Nothing come to mind," the MIB says.

Logan raises his right hand high in the air, "I swear on the soul of my father, John Howlett, you will reach the top alive."

The MIB considers this for a moment before saying, "T'row me de rope."

Logan quickly lets off a length of the rope and throws it down the cliff. The rope lands next to the MIB who grabs it and looks at Logan, who starts pulling him up, pretending to strain, because the wire is really making the job a lot easier.

After the Man In Black climbs up onto the ledge of the cliff, breathlessly, he pulls his sword, "T'ank you."

"We'll wait until you're ready, bub."

"Again, t'ank you." He sits on a rock and pulls off his boots, several rather large rocks fall out. He's wearing black gloves.

Logan is staring at the gloves. "I don't mean to pry, but ya don't happen to have two fingers on each hand, do ya?"

"Huh?" The MIB says, "Do y' always begin conversations dis way, homme?"

"My father was slaughtered by a two-fingered man. He was a great swordmaker, my father. And when the two-fingered man appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He slaved a year before he was done." Logan starts his tale of woe and pulls out a cardboard sword, all spray painted silver and gold. He hands it to the MIB.

The MIB turns the sword over, obviously impressed. "I've never seen it's equal."

"The two-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at _one-tenth_ his promised price. My father refused. Without a word, the two-fingered man slashed him through the heart. I loved my father, so, naturally, challenged his murderer to a duel ... I failed ... the two-fingered man did leave me alive with the two-fingered sword, but he gave me these." He runs his hands along two fake scars on his face.

The Man in Black looks sadly at him, "How old were y'?"

"I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing. So the next time we meet, I won't fail. I'll go up to the two-fingered man and say, "Hello, my name is Logan Howlett. You killed my father. Prepare to die, bub."

"Y've done not'ing but study sword play?" The MIB asks, handing the sword back to Logan.

"More pursuit than study lately. Ya see, I can't find him. It's been twenty years now. I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work fer Vizzini ta pay the bills. There ain't a lot of money in revenge." Logan says, as if revenge were a legitimate profession.

The MIB stands with a, "I certainly hope y' find him one day."

"Yer ready then?" Logan asks.

"Whether I am or not, y've been more den fair."

"Ya seem a decent fellow, I hate ta kill ya," Logan says, adding under his breath, "Not really, but I have ta stick ta the script."

The MIB unsheathes his cardboard sword, "Y' seem a decent fellow. I hate to die."

"Begin!" Logan howls, heading towards him with the infamous two-fingered sword.

They begin to fight, both of them wielding their swords in their left hands, all of it clearly choreographed by yellow and orange feet stickers on the ground, to make them look like masters of the sword.

The sound of metal clashing against metal is made by Magneto clanging two rods against each other.

The fight goes all over the set.

"Yer using Bonetti's defense against me, eh?" Logan asks eagerly.

"I t'ought it fitting, considerin' de rocky terrain."

"Naturally ya must expect me ta attack with Capo Ferro," Logan says, "Where do they come up with these?"

"Does it matter?" CF says, glaring.

"Uh, no."

"Then, STICK TO THE SCRIPT!" CF and TM shout. Scott faints.

"Naturally," The MIB says, "But I find dat Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don' y'?" He jumps down from the castle ruin he was on into the sand.

"Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa." Logan then leaps into the air, does a somersault over the Man in Black and lands facing him. "Which I have."

They go on fighting over the rocky terrain, never missing a foot sticker and looking like absolute masters of the art. The MIB has the advantage and edges Logan closer and closer to the cliff.

"Yer wonderful," Logan spits out.

"T'ank y', I've worked hard to become so."

Logan is very near the edge of the cliff now, moments away from certain death, well, if he wasn't Logan, but that's beside the point. "I admit it," Logan says, and almost chokes on the next line, "Yer better than I am."

The MIB laughs and says, "Den why're y' smiling?"

Logan, with a huge grin, tells him, "Because I know something ya don't know, bub."

"And what is dat?" asks the Man in Black.

"I'm not left-handed," Logan says with an even bigger grin. He throws the sword into his right hand and missing the hilt, catches the blade instead. "Ow," he complains as he watches the scar heal.

Raven and CF both groan.

"Don't worry, we'll edit it out." TM says.

The two men start to battle again and this time, Logan is the better swordsman. They are each hitting the foot stickers perfectly. The Man in Black seems to be desperately fighting for his life and slowly is backed up the ruins of a staircase to the edge of the cliff.

"Y' are amazing," The MIB says.

"I ought ta be after twenty years!" Logan exclaims.

The MIB is pinned now, between the cliffs edge and the two-fingered sword. "Dere's somet'ing I ought to tell y'," he says.

"Tell me," Logan growls.

"I am not left-handed either," and with that he switches hands and Logan is forced down the steps.

The two-fingered sword is knocked out of his hands to the level below him. Logan jumps to the level below and grabs his sword.

Not to be outdone, the MIB throws his sword into the ground and jumps onto a bar. He twirls around it and then, after doing a perfect backflip, lands, extremely gracefully beside his sword. He picks it up and the battle continues.

Logan stares at him in awe, "Who are ya?"

"No one of consequence," answers the MIB.

"I must know."

"Get used t' disappointment."

"Okay," and Logan slashing ferociously with the two-fingered sword.

But the sword is knocked out of his hands and Logan catches it. However, he is realizing that will be the last time. He tries again and again to win, but the MIB is too strong, too good, and the two-fingered sword is knocked out of his hand once more. Logan watches the sword fly, but knows he can never reach it in time. He drops to his knees, bows his head, and closes his eyes.

"Kill me quickly," he snarls.

"I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like y'rself. However, since I can't have y' following me either..." And the MIB hits Logan on the back of the head with the hilt of his cardboard sword and Logan, pretends to fall unconscious to the ground. "Please understand, I hold y' in the highest respect." He runs off after Pyro, Piotr, and Rogue.

The POBP appears as the scene changes. Pyro and Colossus are standing in the middle of some large rocks.

"Inconceivable!" Pyro cries. "Give her ta me!" He takes Rogue and starts off. "Catch up with us quickly, mate."

"Vhat do I do?" Piotr asks nervously.

"Finish him. YOUR way."

"Oh, good, my vay. Thanks, Johnny." He pauses. "Uh…which vay is my vay?" Pyro sighs exasperatedly.

"Pick up one o' those rocks, get behind the boulder, and in a few minutes, the Man In Black will come runnin' 'round the bend. The minute 'is head is in view, HIT IT with the ROCK!" Pyro runs off with Rogue.

"My vay is not very sportsmanlike…" Piotr mutters. But he shrugs, grabs a rock, and goes behind the boulder. A few seconds later, the Man In Black comes to the bend in the path. He slows down, but doesn't hear or see anything, so he starts forward again. A rock flies forward right next to his head. Just a LITTLE too close for comfort.

"I did zat on purpose," Piotr says. "Next time, I don't have to miss."

"With friends like that, who needs enemies?" Lightning mutters.

"Remy believes y'—"

"NO! Remy, you can't give away your name!" Raven yells with a fierce glare, stopping the camera. Remy sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Fine. I believe y'…so what do we do now?"

"We face each ozher as zhe script intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone.

"Y' mean, we get no weapons?"

"I could kill you now." Piotr gets ready to throw the rock. The Man In Black shakes his head and puts down his sword.

"Y'r most likely de best here at dis sort o' fightin', the Man In Black says. "Y' sure I can't challenge y' to a good ol' game o' Go Fish?"

A chair blows up offstage and the Man In Black decides it would be best to—

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT!"

"It's not my fault zhat I am zhe biggest and zhe strongest," Piotr says. "I have metal skin."

As TM looks nervously at Raven, the Man In Black and Piotr circle each other. The Man in Black runs forward, trying to throw Piotr down, but it doesn't work. Piotr just stands there, his body partially in metal form under his clothes. Finally, the Man In Black moves back.

"Look, are y' just plain' 'round wit' me or what?"

"I vant you to feel you are doing vell," Piotr shrugs. "I hate for people to die embarrassed." Suddenly, he lunges at the Man In Black, but said Man In Black dodges away luckily. "You are very quick."

"And a good t'ing, too," the Man In Black mutters.

"Vhy do you vear a mask? Vere you burned by acid?"

"More like de image o' JOTT kissin', but…" he sees the directors glaring at him and coughs. " Dey're very comfortable. I t'ink everyone will be wearing dem in de future."

"NO!" Magneto yells from off-stage. "BUCKETS ARE THE NEW FASHION!" Everyone just looks at him oddly. "BUCKETS! BUCKETS, I SAY!"

"Shut up," CF mutters, and promptly throws a brick at him.

Up on stage, Piotr lunges at the Man In Black again, but the MIB dodges and leaps up, grabbing Piotr's neck. Piotr stands, beginning to walk towards a huge rock.

"I just figured out vhy you give me such trouble," he says. He runs at the rock and turns to that the MIB smashes into it. Of course, the rock is plastic and neither of them gets hurt, but…you don't have to know that.

"Why is dat?"

"Vell, I have never fought somevun for so long," Piotr says, making his voice go all strained…ish. "I used to fight gangs, things like zhat." He slams the MIB against a rock again.

"Dat makes a difference…why?"

"Well…" Piotr coughs, obviously fake, but oh well. "You fight six people differently zhen you fight just vun…" he tries to slam the MIB against another boulder, but his strength is 'gone', and he collapses, un-metalling his body in the process. The MIB rolls Piotr over, and when he realizes that he still lives, he stands up.

"I don' envy y' de headache y'll have when y' get up," the MIB says. "But in de meantime, sleep well…an' dream of kittens." He smirks at Kitty, who is offstage and blushing. Lance is glaring, then pales as he remembers what his part is in the movie. Meanwhile, the MIB flips his sword up with his foot and dashes off.

The scene hurriedly switches to Scott…or, technically, Scott's boot as he puts it in a footprint in the sand. The camera moves up, and suddenly, everyone, save Jean and Raven, starts laughing, no one more than TM and CF. Because Scott is wearing something that looks like a dress. It's purple and has a…fluffy-ish… skirt.

"What's so funny?" He asks, then looks down and groans.

"I should've known this is why CF wanted the costumes to get here…" he mutters.

"Shut up and speak your lines," Raven yells, as the other three directors are laughing behind her. On stage, Scott grumbles, but resumes walking around, miming the fencer's positions. Behind him, Kurt is sitting, blue fur and all, looking both really bored and really amused at Scott's dress. Behind Count Wagner are Bobby, Sam, and some Jamie multiples as soldiers.

"There was a mighty duel—it ranged all over," Scott says. "They were both masters."

"How did it end?" Kurt asks impatiently.

"The loser ran off alone," suddenly, Evan appears out of nowhere.

"You called?"

"No, Porky, the other loser," CF yells. "The one who lost the BATTLE."

"Oh." Evan disappears again.

"The winner followed these footprints towards Guilder!" Prince Scooterdinck says, trying to 'take command'. Kurt rolls his eyes.

"Shall we track zhem both?"

"The loser is nothing. Only the Princess matters." He looks at the warriors. "Clearly this was planned by Guilder. We must be ready for whatever lies ahead!"

"Could zhis be a trap?"

"I think everything's a trap. Which is why I'm still alive."

"No, you're alive because the directors won't let us kill you until after the movie," Bobby says. Then, he and everyone else watch with amusement as Scott jumps off the rock onto his horse, aka Ray/Rob.

"AAH!" Because he's uncoordinated like that, he falls straight off. Everyone snickers and laughs. He blushes and climbs back on, but immediately gives another yell as the 'horse' starts galloping around. "OW! Ray! You just electrocuted my—"

"I thought you couldn't feel it, with the pole and all!" Ray, from inside the horse, shouts back. Everyone, except Raven, starts laughing hysterically as Ray and Roberto continue fighting. Finally, Lightning manages to yell for them to stop.

"Can we take that out of the tape?" Scott pleads.

"Hmm…let me think…NO!" TM and CF yell. Scott groans and twitches at the same time, as Ray/Rob gallops off. Everyone chuckles. The scene switches to the MIB coming over the top of a hill.

"YES!" CF squeals, sitting up excitedly. "This is my FAVORITE part!"

"Of course," Raven mutters.

On stage, Pyro is sitting next to a blindfolded Rogue, a knife at her throat. There is food and two goblets of wine laid out in front of them. The MIB comes running around the bend, and him and Pyro stare at each other.

"So. It's down ta you, mate, and it's down ta me." The MIB steps forward. "Oh, by all means, keep walkin' forward, IF ya wish her dead." He moves the knife.

"Let m' explain—"

"There's nothing ta explain!" Pyro says. "You're tryin' ta kidnap wot Oy've rightfully stolen!"

"And the logic in that is…?" TM mutters.

"Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?"

"There will be no arrangement—and you're killing her!" He holds the knife against Rogue's throat, who pretends to gasp with pain.

"Ah hate bein' all DID-y," she says. "An' that's a PLASTIC knife!" Paying no attention to Rogue's comment, the MIB stops.

"If dere can be no arrangement, den we are at an impasse."

"Oy'm 'fraid so—Oy can't compete with ya physically, but yer no match fer moy brains!"

"What brains?" Magneto deadpans. CF and Pyro glare at him.

"Y're dat smart?" the MIB says with real disbelief.

"Ya ever heard o' Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"

"_Oui_."

"Morons."

"Really? In dat case, I challenge y' t' a battle o' wits."

"For the sheila?"

The MIB nods.

"Ta the _death_?"

Another nod.

Pyro grins happily. "Oy accept!" He cheers, putting the knife away.

"Good. Den pour de…wine." The MIB looks at it suspiciously.

"It's cranberry juice," TM says. "And don't worry, it's not spiked." Nodding thankfully, Pyro pours the wine as the MIB sits and pulls a packet of white…powdery…stuff, from inside his clothes.

"Inhale dis, but do not touch." Pyro sniffs at it, then hands it back.

"Oy smell nothing."

"What y' do not smell is iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, an' is one o' de deadliest poisons known t' mutants." Technically, it's a white colored pixy stix.

"Hmm…" Pyro watches as the MIB takes the goblets, turns away, and does…something. When he turns back, the iocane packet is empty. He rotates the goblets, REEEALLY pathetically, as Pyro snickers, and then place one in front of John and one in front of himself.

"All right. Where is de poison? De battle of wits has begun. It ends when y' decide, an' we both drink. Den, we find out who is right, an' who is dead."

"But it's so simple. All Oy have ta do is devise from wot Oy know of ya—are ya the kind o' bloke who'd put the poison into 'is own goblet, or into that of his enemy? A clever bloke would put the poison into 'is own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would drink wot was put in front o' him! Oy am not a great fool, so Oy can clearly not choose the wine in front o' y. But ya must have _known_ Oy was not a great fool, ya would've counted on it, so Oy can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!"

"You've made your choice?"

"Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone except JOTT knows, an' Australia is entirely people with criminals—ey, that ain't true, mates!"

"Just keep going," Raven snaps. "This movie is OLD."

"Wotever. Anyway, criminals are used ta having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so Oy can clearly not choose the wine in front o' ya!"

"Truly, y' have a dizzying intellect."

"Jus' wait till Oy get started! Uh…where was Oy?"

"Australia."

"That's royght, Australia. An' ya must have suspected Oy would've known the powder's origin, so clearly Oy can not choose the wine in front o' me."

"Y're just stallin' now."

Pyro laughs maniacally. "Ya'd like ta think that, wouldn't ya! Ya've beaten moy giant, which means yer exceptionally strong. Ya could've put the poison into yer own goblet, counting on your strength ta save ya. But you've also bested moy Canadian, which means ya've studied, an' in studying ya must've learned that mutants are mortal, and put the wine as far away from you as possible! So Oy can clearly not choose the wine in front o' me!"

"You're trying t' trick m' int' giving away something. It ain't going t' work—"

"It HAS worked, mate! Ya've given everything away! Oy know where the poison is!"

"Den make y'r choice!"

"Foyne! And my choice is—wot in the world is that?" he points behind the MIB, who does, actually, fall for the oldest trick in the book, and turns. Pyro switches goblets with him.

"What? I don' see anyt'ing."

"Oh, um…Oy could've sworn Oy saw something…no matter!" he laughs again.

"What's so funny?"

"Um…Oy'll tell ya in a minute. But now, we drink! Me from my goblet, an' you, from yours." Carefully watching each other, the two of them drink. When they set the goblets down, the MIB laughs.

"Y' guessed wrong, mon ami!"

"Ya only think Oy guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! Oy switched glasses when your back was turned! Ya just fell victim to one o' the classic blunders! The most famous is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia!' but only slightly less well known is—never go up 'gainst a pyromaniac, when DEATH is on the line!" He laughs maniacally, and suddenly…falls over, pretending to be dead.

The MIB steps over Pyro and unties Rogue's blindfold and hands; luckily, they are both wearing gloves.

"And ta think," she says, looking down at Pyro. "All that time the poison was in yahr own goblet." The MIB looks up at her, and his eyes really should've given him away, but…it's OUR parody, so TOO BAD!

"Dey were both poisoned. I spent de last few years buildin' up an immunity t' iocane powder." He runs off, taking her behind him, and the screen switches to Prince Scooterdinck examining the sand where Piotr fought the MIB.

"Someone has beaten a giant," he says, standing up. "There will be great suffering in Guilder if she dies." He leaps on his horse, falls off, tries again, and gallops off. TM puts the POBP in front of the camera.

"CUT!" They all yell. Scott falls of the 'horse' again, and runs away with a girlish scream.

"How was that, CF?" Pyro asks, running up, finally out of his costume.

"That was the best part!" CF squeals. The two of them start discussing the latest plans for Squirrel World Domination.

"What's up next?" Lightning asks.

"Fire swamp," Raven says. Both CF and Pyro's heads jerk up. "Keep talking, maniacs." She mutters.

"Don't worry, Ravie," TM says. "We can torture Scott some more next scene."

"Okay," Raven and Lightning agree. From far, far away, we hear Scott's scream, and Lightning and TM laugh evilly, while Raven grins her evilest grin.

**REVIEW RESPONSES!**

**Heartsyhawk:**

CF:I do so love the fear my squirrels inspire! LOL. You haven't seen this movie? Wow! It's like, one of the best ever! Well, Pyro is a bit crazy, so he thought for a sec he was really gonna die. But I wouldn't let that happen to Pyro ;) Ooh! Anastasia! I can't wait.

TM:You've never seen The Princess Bride? I pity you. It's hilarious. Thanks for not rescuing her, we really need her. Lol.

**Blue-fuzzy:**

CF:I think Pyro was, but hey, to each their own. The peanut line is one of my faves too!

TM:We love Piotr's rhyming too.

**Chica De Los Ojos Café:**

CF: Hey, I'm not the one who wrote that. Surprisingly. She did ((points at TM)) Glad you thought it rocked!

TM:Yes, I can see you and CF drooling over Pyro in tights. Lol.

**I-love-Richard:**

CF: Oh, well, we'll try to tone down the insanity. Maybe. Hey, I feel your pain, dude…no caffeine, is like, the end of the world for me…

TM: No caffeine? I feel your pain. I won't be drinking too much of it for a while… (cries) Okay, I'm back. As for our parody being hard to follow…I guess a lot of it, you'd have to read our other stories. We do tend to use inside jokes…

**Invisible Stranger:**

CF:Oh, don't worry, that was an empty threat. Well, not really. LOL. I'm glad you like Scott's (much improved, no?) name.

TM:Oh, neither can I…Remember in the Lion King where the Hyena's are like " Mufasa," "Ooo..." "Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa…" Well, that's how I hear Scooterdinck in my head, "Scooterdinck, Scooterdinck, Scooterdinck!" lol.

**Chained2aMask:**

CF: Thanks! Toodles…what a fun word…:P

TM:Thanks!

**Merryb:**

CF: Yes! Here is the other chapter! A bit late, I'll admit…but that's okay…

TM:Oh, don't worry, here you go. We won't abandon this. We love it too much. Now, if only SOMEONE didn't go on so many vacations… we would have had it to you sooner. Lol.

**CF: THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED THIS STORY! Because we didn't get to thank you…WE ARE THANKING YOU NOW! **

**TM: And that goes for me too!**

**REVIEW THREATS!**

**CF: Same old, same old. Review or I will send my new squirrels after you. And they have flaming nunchucks.**

**TM: Uh, huh, brand new squirrels, oh I'd review if I were you!**


	5. Chapter 4: The Fire Swamp

**Disclaimer: Around and around the world turns, but neither of us own the X-Men or The Princess Bride yet!**

**Authoresses' Notes:**

Rogue238: Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levvy, but the levvy was dry and good old boys drinking Whiskey and Rye, singing "This'll be the day that I die. This'll be the day that I die."

CF: X-men TAS rox my sox. That's all I have to say ;)

**Chapter 4- The Fire Swamp**

"You people are crazy!" Jean shouts, running away from CF and Pyro, who are laughing maniacally.

"What was all that about?" TM asks, stepping up with Raven and Lightning.

CF and Pyro hide their hands behind their backs and grin evilly. "Nothing," they say at the same time.

Scott, who happens to be walking after Jean, starts to scream horribly.

Raven grins and says, "Ah, the pleasure that sound brings to my ears."

"Me too," CF agrees.

"So, anyone else want to start the play?" Lightning asks.

"Not me," Rogue groans, glaring at the fancy dress she's wearing.

"Ah, chere, but dis is our big love scene," Remy says.

"One of them," TM reminds them.

"Y'all are horrible," Rogue whines.

In spite of her laughter and evil plotting, CF decides it's time to begin with a "Lights! Camera! Action!"

The Man in Black is dragging Rogue along. Apparently, they've been doing this for a while, because Rogue is acting exhausted. She keeps falling and he keeps forcing her up and to keep going. Finally, he lets go of her and stops running. "Catch y'r breath," he orders harshly.

Rogue tells him, though excessive panting, "If y'all will release me…whatevah ya ask fer ransom…y'all'll get it, Ah promise ya."

"And what is dat wort', de promise of a woman? Y're very funny, Highness," he says sharply.

Rogue can almost breathe normally now, "Ah was givin' ya a chance. No mattah where ya take me, there's no greater hunter than Prince Scooterdinck." Here she breaks out laughing along with everyone other than Scott, who is being laughed at, Jean, who feels sorry for him, and Raven, who just never laughs.

The Man in Black shakes his head,

"Scooterdinck?"

"He can…" She tries through the laughter. "He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find ya!" She can't contain her laughter anymore. The thought of Scott hunting, seeing nothing but red, is just so hilarious.

"Y' t'ink y'r dearest love will save ya?" The Man in Black says.

Rogue immediately stops laughing and glares at the directors and then The MIB. "Ah _nevah_ said he was my dearest love! And yeah, I guess he'll save me…"

"Y' admit t' me y' don't love y'r fiancée?" The MIB is surprised.

"He knows Ah don't love him," Rogue responds.

"Are not capable of love," he smirks, "is what y' mean."

Here Rogue stands to face him. "Ah have loved more deeply than a killer like y'rself could eveh dream!" She says with vehemence.

The MIB is angered by this and raises his fist as if to backhand her across the face. She flinches, but doesn't move.

"Dat was a warning, cherie. De next time, my hand flies on it's own. For where I come from, dere are penalties when a woman lies."

CF places the All Important POBP in front of the camera.

Raven smiles broadly at the two actors. "That was beautiful."

"A compliment? Coming from y'?" Remy asks warily.

"Relish it," Lightning says, "It may be the only one you ever get."

"Lawrence!" Raven warns.

"Hey, you promised not to say that name!" he whines.

"Lawrence, Lawrence, Lawrence!" she hollers.

"Um, peoples?" CF says quietly.

"What?" they yell at her.

Scott runs behind Jean, sobbing.

"Um? The play?"

Raven calms down. "Oh yes, the play." She removes the POBP.

The scene is changed to one where Scott is kneeling over Pyro's "dead" body. He grabs the empty Pixy Stix packet and sniffs it, before handing it to Kurt. "Iocane powder, I'd bet my life on it." He gestures to a trail of footprints.

"And there are the Princess's footprints. She's alive, or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out."

"What kind of thing is that for someone to say about the person they are supposed to be in love with?" Rahne asks. This earns her a couple or four glares from the directors. "Okay, back to being mild-mannered unopinionated Rahne…"

Scott tries to jump onto the Rob/Ray horse, but misses once again and is dragged off the stage, holding onto the tail of the costume, his hair standing up due to Ray's bad (or maybe very good) aim.

The POBP returns and when it's removed, Rogue is nearly being thrown to the ground as the Man in Black releases her. They'd been running again. They are at the edge of a very steep ravine.

"Rest, Highness." The MIB tells her. He is not out of breath at all, but she is gasping for air.

She calms down and says, "Ah know who ya are. Your cruelty reveals everythang!"

He smirks at her, very interested in what she has to say.

"Yah're the Dread Pirate Sinister! Admit it!" She glares at him.

"Wit' pride. What can I do for y'?" he says cheerfully.

"Ya can die, slowly, cut inta a thousand pieces," she says enjoying his torture.

"Ooh, sounds fun," Wolverine mutters. He sees the four almost identical glares. "Shutting up now."

"Hardly complimentary, Y'r Highness. Why loose y'r venom on me?" He asks.

"Ya killed my love," she growls.

Watching her closely, he responds, "It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was dis love of y'rs? Anot'er Prince, like dis one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?"

"I am not ugly!" Scott shouts. Everyone else coughs 'yeahright' into their hands.

"Shut up before I take those glasses and shove them down your throat!" Raven growls.

"No, a farm boy. Poor, poor and perfect, with eyes like a storm." She says, reliving some distant memory, that's still heartbreaking. In fact, the only reason she isn't crying, besides the fact that it's not in the script, is because she hates this man so much she won't cry in front of him. "On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Sinister nevah takes prisoners."

"I can't afford t' make exceptions. Once word leaks out dat a pirate has gone soft, people begin t' disobey y', and den it's not'ing but work, work, work, all de time," he explains.

"Y'all mock my pain," she says, with a voice full of venom.

"Life is pain, cherie. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I remember this farm boy of y'rs, I t'ink. Dis would be, what, five years ago?"

Rogue nods.

"Does it bot'er y' t' hear?"

"Nothing y'all can say will upset me," she says, curious as to how her beloved died.

"He died well, dat should please y'. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, 'Please. Please, Remy need t' live.' It was the 'please' dat caught my memory. I asked him what was so important f'r him. 'True love,' he replied. And den he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant y'. Y' should bless me for destroying him before he found out what y' really are" The MIB continues.

"And what am Ah?" Rogue asks angrily.

"Faithfulness he talked of, madam. Y'r enduring faithfulness. Now, tell me truly. When y' found out he was gone, did y' get engaged t' y'r prince dat same hour, or did y' wait a whole week out of respect for de dead?"

"Ya mocked me once, neveh do it again…Ah _died_ that day!" Rogue yells in his face.

He's about to respond when he catches sight of something on the horizon.

"And ya can die too, fer all Ah care!" Rogue screams, pushing him down into the steep ravine.

He teeters on the edge for a moment and then rolls down the steep ravine. The mask is torn off, but she can't see his face. He's really getting beaten up by rolling down the ravine.

Rogue stands there watching him, satisfied with herself until she hears the words of his reply drifting up to her.

"As...y'...wish...," he says between bumps and gnashes.

"Oh, my sweet Remy! What have Ah done?" Rogue mutters, barely above her breath and jumps into the ravine herself. Not thinking about what she is doing, she tumbles down the steep ravine, head over heels, getting just as beaten up as Remy.

On the horizon, the dust cloud that had distracted Remy stops to reveal the Rob/Ray horse, with Scott still being dragged by the tail, and the other men on their horses.

Scott stands up and dusts off. "Disappeared," he mutters. "He must have seen us closing in, which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong," which causes quite a bit of laughter from the rest of the cast, "they are headed dead into the fire swamp."

"Fire Swamp!" CF and Pyro shout and clap their hands with excitement.

Scott twitches.

Raven clears her throat.

"Sorry," CF says grinning like she's not sorry.

"I can read minds, you know," Raven says.

Meanwhile, Kurt is looking sick at the thought of the Fire Swamp.

Back to the ravine floor, where Remy and Rogue have stopped rolling. Rogue lies nearly dead, as Remy crawls painfully to her.

"Can y' move at all?" he asks.

"Move? Yah're alive! If ya want Ah can fly," she answers, "but next time, Ah want a stunt double."

Raven's eyes begin to glow and CF clears her throat. "Stick to the script," she says kinder than she would to most cast members. After all, it's Rogue.

"Remy told y', 'I will come f'r y'. Why didn't y' wait f'r me?"

"Well...ya were dead," was her rather obvious reply.

"Death' can't stop true love. All it can do is delay it f'r a while," he says.

About this time, they are lost in each other's eyes and forgetting everything but each other and their lines. "Ah will neveh doubt again," she says.

"Dere will never be a need," he tells her.

"Hold it!" CF calls. The POBP is placed and the recharged power inhibiter is given back to Rogue, which causes her to grin fiercely. After it's turned on the POBP is removed.

And they begin to kiss. It's a tender kiss, tender, gentle and loving and that's just about the time Jamie's voice cuts through on the microphone, "Oh no. No, please."

The POBP returns as they shuffle to the bedroom set again. The power inhibiter is taken back to recharge, making Rogue sad. And Lightning removes the POBP.

"What is it? What's the matter? It's not like I can read minds, you know," Xavier says sarcastically.

"Stick to the Script!" yells Lightning.

"They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part?" Jamie whines.

"Someday, you might not mind so much," Xavier says.

"Skip on to the Fire Swamp, that sounded good," Jamie says eagerly. At least he's eager to not be playing Xavier's grandson.

"Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you," Xavier says, flipping through the book. "So now, where were we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah. Oh, okay. Remy and Rogue raced along the ravine floor."

TM places the POBP and the scene changes to Rogue and Remy running along the ravine floor. CF removes the All Important POBP.

Remy glances up to see Scott, Kurt and the others watching them. "Ha! Y'r pig fiancé is too late! A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp."

"We'll neveh survive," Rogue says.

"Nonsense, y're only saying dat, cause no one ever has," he replies.

They run on into the Fire Swamp. It looks no worse than any other moist, sulphurous, infernal horror you'd come across, well except for the giant trees which block the sun, flame burst every now and then and the like.

Rogue is looking absolutely frightened and Remy is, but he's trying to hide it. He is however wielding his sword as they move along. "It's not dat bad." When Rogue raises her eyebrow and looks at him like he's crazy, he continues, "Remy's not saying he'd like t' build a summer home here, but de trees are actually quite lovely."

A slight popping noise and Pyro is put to work creating a burst of flame. Remy is untouched, but the much hated dress of Rogue's has caught fire. Remy forces her to sit and grabs the fiery cloth and puts the fire out. Pyro and CF start crying. TM gently pats CF's back to calm her.

"It was such a beautiful fire," CF cries.

"You wouldn't want it to hurt Rogue would you?" TM says.

"Well, no. . . but, but. . ."

"There's plenty more fires in this scene." TM reminds her.

"Oh yeah!" CF says, suddenly cheerful. "On with the play!"

"Well now, dat was an adventure." Remy says, checking her legs to make sure she wasn't burnt. If she had been, he'd have been killing Pyro about now, despite CF's threats and tears, but Rogue is fine. "Singed a bit, were y?"

Rogue shakes her head no, "Y'all?"

Actually, he did burn his hands a little, putting out the fire, but he shakes his head "no" anyway and pulls her to her feet.

There's another popping noise. Remy quickly lifts Rogue out of the way as another burst of flame shoots up.

"Well, one t'ing Remy can say, de Fire Swamp certainly keeps y' on y'r toes."

Rogue is shaking from fear as she takes Remy's hand in her gloved one.

The POBP is held up for a moment and when it's removed, Remy is leading Rogue, cutting bushes and generally making their way through the swamp.

"Dis will all soon be but a happy memory because Sinister's ship "Revenge" is anchored at de far end. And Remy, as y' know, is Sinister," he says happily.

"But how is that possible, since he's been marauding twenty yeahs and y'all only left me five yeahs ago?" Rogue asks.

"Remy, himself, is often surprised at life's little quirks."

At that moment another popping noise is followed by another burst of flame, at which CF's eyes light up brightly. Remy picks Rogue up and moves her out of danger and puts her back on the ground and they continue without missing a beat.

"Y' see, what Remy told y' before about saying 'please' was true. It intrigued Sinister, as did my descriptions of y'r beauty," he says as he cuts more vines out of the way. "Finally, Sinister decided something. He said, 'All right, Remy, I've never had a valet. Y' can try it for tonight. I'll most likely kill y' in de morning.' T'ree years he said dat. 'Good night, Remy. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill y' in de morning.' It was a fine time f'r me. I was learning t' fence, t' fight, anyt'ing anyone would teach me. And Sinister and Remy eventually became friends. And den it happened."

At his pause, Rogue urges him on, "What? Go on. . ."

Here, Remy picks her up to carry her over some swamp water. "Well, Sinister had grown so rich, he wanted t' retire. So he took Remy t' his cabin and told him his secret. 'I am not de Dread Pirate Sinister,' he said. 'My name is Jean-Luc. I inherited dis ship from de previous Dread Pirate Sinister, just as y' will inherit it from me. De man I inherited it from was not de real Dread Pirate Sinister, either. His name was Julien. De real Sinister has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Genosha.' Den he explained de name was de important t'ing f'r inspiring de necessary fear. Y' see, no one would surrender t' de Dread Pirate Remy."

"Ah might…" Rogue mutters, not loud enough for him to hear.

"What was dat?" Remy says.

"Ah, nothang. Better get on with the script before they kill us," Rogue says sweetly.

"Okay, but Remy'll just get it outta y' later." He then starts saying his lines again, "So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard f'r awhile as first mate, all de time calling me Sinister. Once de crew believed, he left de ship and Remy has been Sinister ever since. Except, now dat we're t'get'er, Remy shall retire and hand de name over t' someone else. Is everyt'ing clear t' y'?"

Everything is not clear to Rogue, and she is about to say so, but she screams, "Remy!" as she steps into the Lightning Sand and is wisked away into oblivion.

Remy cuts a vine in half and takes the one that's still connected to the tree. He drops his sword and dives into the sand.

And then there is nothing…the Fire Swamp has won. It has defeated our heros. Across the scene, a giant robot rodent, probably eighty pounds, walks. It sniffs at the sand and heads off.

When suddenly, Remy bursts out of the sand, carrying Rogue. They pull to the ground, using the vine. The swamp has not won yet.

Panting for air, and sick with worry and fright, Rogue starts crying, pretending Remy is laying dead beside her really works. The Robot Rodent, which will be called the ROUS (Rodent Of Unusual Size) from here on out, watches them. Remy can clearly see it, but Rogue cannot. Remy cleans sand off her face.

"We'll neveh succeed. We might as well die now." Rogue says.

"No, no. We've already succeeded," he says, watching the ROUS, which has been joined by a friend.

He helps her stand, and with an arm around each other, they keep walking. CF, TM, and Raven all take pictures of them, because they look so sweet, and blackmail is fun. That earns the directors another glare from Rogue and a patented smirk from Remy.

"Remy mean, what are de t'ree terrors of de Fire Swamp? One, de flame spurts. No problem. Dere's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid dat. Two, de Lightning Sand. But y' were clever enough t' discover what dat looks like, so in de future we can avoid dat too."

"Stop smirking, Lightning," Raven says groaning. "The sand was_ not_ named after you."

Lightning just laughs at her.

CF rolls her eyes and TM smiles at him.

Rogue, being annoyed, decides Lightning's ego is big enough, "Remy, what about the ROUS's?"

"Rodents Of Unusual Size? Remy don't t'ink dey exist," he lies. At which time, the ROUS decides to fly at him.

Rogue starts to scream as Remy fights the robotic beast. Suddenly Rogue stops screaming. "This is _so_ stupid!. If Remy and Ah were really in love, which we ain't, and he were really in trouble lake this, which he isn't, Ah wouldn't just stand here and scream about it, Ah'd get in there and help him!"

"Well, it's not your movie!" CF says haughtily.

"But this is ridiculous! Y'all _all _know how much Ah hate being all damsel-in-distressy!"

"Well, we didn't write the script!" Lightning informs her.

"Yes, you can blame S. Morgenstern for that one," TM says.

"It ain't fair!" She says stomping her feet.

"Well, too bad," Raven says. "Now go back to being the stupid bimbo who can't think for herself this part calls for!" In her hands she holds a pack of cards…Remy's cards to be precise. They are starting to glow as she shuffles them, careful not to let go of one that's charged.

Rogue gives up her fight for women's equality and goes back to playing the part of a stupid bimbo who can't think for herself. Meaning, she starts screaming again.

Remy fights the ROUS as it fights back. He tries for his sword but the beast is on top of him. He flips it and runs for his sword. The ROUS turns towards Rogue.

"Remy!" she screams pathetically.

He abandons his sword and grabs the ROUS's tail. Rogue grabs a branch and tries to beat the skull in, however, Forge made it out of adamantium. It grabs the hem of her dress. It pulls her to the ground.

Remy jumps on it's back to save her and the ROUS turns on him. It bites his shoulder and due to the magic of stage makeup and Pietro, it looks as if Remy is really hurt instead of barely scratched.

The ROUS is going to win and Remy knows it, until he hears a popping noise. So, in one last desperate attempt at Script-Written Victory, He rolls over into the flame. Actually, only the ROUS is hit with the flame, thanks in part to Pyro. Remy gets up and while the burnt ROUS is struggling towards him, he reaches his sword and stabs it through the heart, well, through the motor at least.

The ROUS collapses, dead…or at least completely broken.

"That took a while to make!" Forge yells.

"So?" All four directors deadpan. Scott whimpers.

Rogue and Remy are relieved.

CF replaces the POBP. Remy kicks the ROUS robot and Forge rushes to it, muttering something about his poor baby. TM and the other directors roll their eyes. And then the POBP is removed to reveal the edge of a forest with a beach beyond.

Rogue and Gambit rush out of the woods. "We did it," Rogue says, in disbelief.

"Now, was dat so terrible?" Remy says.

And they rush towards the beach, only to be stopped by Prince Scooterdinck on the Rob/Ray horse, Count Wagner and the other men.

"Surrender!" Scott says, as the two lovebirds are surrounded.

"Y' mean y' wish t' surrender t' Remy? He accepts," Remy says confidently.

"I give you full marks for bravery, don't make a fool of yourself," says the idiot in the red glasses. Everyone else snorts.

"Y'd know all 'bout dat, wouldn't y', Scooter?" Remy mutters, but then continues with his lines. "Ah, but how will y' capture us? We know de secrets of de Fire Swamp. We can live dere quite happily f'r some time. So, whenever y' feel like dying, feel free t' visit," Remy says haughtily.

Scott is getting aggravated, "I tell you once again, surrender!"

"It will not happen!" Remy shouts, holding tightly to Rogue.

Rogue looks at the guards, more than those around them are guards hiding in the bushes. Two of them have crossbows pointed directly at Remy's heart. She feels her own heart slide into her stomach.

"For the last time, SURRENDER!" Scott yells.

"Deat' first!" shouts Remy.

Rogue is getting frantic now, she spies another guard with another crossbow aimed at Remy's heart. It's the last straw for her. "Will ya promise not ta hurt him?"

"What was that?" Scott asks, suddenly looking at her.

"What was dat?" echoes Remy, whirling to face her.

"If we surrender, and Ah go back with ya, will ya promise not ta hurt this man?" Rogue asks again.

"May I live a thousand years and never hunt again," says Scott, making it look very solemn by raising his right hand.

Looking at Remy, she goes on, "He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise ta return him ta his ship."

"I swear it will be done," Scott replies.

Remy is confused as he stares into the emerald eyes he loves so much. Rogue stares back at him, trying to find a way to explain, a way to say goodbye.

Scott leans in to Kurt and whispers, "Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair."

"I svear it vill be done," Kurt whispers back.

Rogue, without too much acting, tries to explain to Remy, "Ah thought ya were dead once and it almost destroyed me. Ah could not bear it if ya died again, not when Ah could save ya."

Remy is dazed and stands there in silence.

Rogue is about to say something else when Scott, managing to maneuver the two quarrelling boys in the horse suit, swoops her up onto the back of his horse and they ride off into the sunset.

Remy watches them as they ride off and the guards force him to Kurt's horse.

In his hand, Kurt holds a heavy-looking cardboard sword. "Come sir," he says, "Ve must get you to your ship."

Remy stares up at him, "We are men of action. Lies do not become us."

"Vell spoken, sir…" Kurt says.

Remy is now staring at his hands.

"Vhat is it?" Kurt asks annoyed.

"Y' have two fingers on each hand…someone was looking f'r y'…" This said because we aren't counting his thumb. . .

Kurt clubs Remy on the back of the head with the heavy-looking cardboard sword. Remy pretends to fall unconscious.

"Cut!" CF shouts.

"Well, now. Wasn't that awful," Raven groans.

"It wasn't that bad," Lightning says.

"Lightning, you are too easy going," TM states.

CF laughs. "You people are nuts."

"Oh and you're not?" TM retorts.

"I never said that!" she yells. Then quickly forgets why she was yelling and turns to Pyro, "Great job with the fire!"

"Thanks mate!" They laugh evilly.

"And just think what comes next," Raven says with a very evil grin.

"Ooh, the Pit of Despair!" CF says, grinning almost as evilly.

"You're starting to get along with her.." Lightning says, "That's scary."

"Very scary," Evan whines. "When do I get to play my part?"

"Soon. . . Soon," the directors all say, rubbing their hands together evilly.

Scott faints dead away.

**REVIEW RESPONSES!**

**Heartsyhawk:**

CF: _The movie is the BEST. Seriously. Yay…people fear my squirrels. Penguins! Penguins are…cool. (PUN INTENDED) No one can have too much sugar, lol. Anastasia, yay…seriously, school takes up way too much time. Argh, I hate advanced geometry…Thanks!_

TM: Thank you! I'm so happy, and sick, very sick. . . lol. No the squirrels with the flaming nunchucks beat all! You have to watch the movie. It's like the funniest movie ever made. Lol. I'd take it over an Adam Sandler fic any day and I love Adam Sandler.

**Gul-z:**

CF: _Scooterdinck was TM's idea. looks at TM's response Heyy…where IS our MEV? If she was trying to take over the world, I'd know. THANKS!_  


TM: Hey! You read Oops! We are waiting on our MEV to finish her part. (Scowls) Our MEV has been very slow. Thank you. We are very excited and my older son is too. My daughter just thinks it's going to be like a doll that she can play with, so she's happy too. Little does she know. . . lol. We all love the name Scooterdinck. :)

**Chica De Los Ojos Cafe:**

CF: _It was my idea? Ohh yeah…I forgot that. Thanks!_

TM: Yeah, that was CF's idea. Lol. It was a very good idea. Lol. Thank you!

**REVIEW THREATS!**

**Only 3 reviews last chapter. (Taps foot) CF's squirrels have been very busy!**

**You had better review or face the Wrath of the Squirrels!**


	6. Chapter 5: A Real Nightmare

**Disclaimer: Someday, we will assume control of Marvel. Until then, however, we have to write disclaimers that say we don't own anything.**

**ANs:**

**_CF: Okay, okay, I admit it. It's my fault it took a while to get this up. Sorry. But hey, it's Jean humiliation, so you won't kill me too badly, right? And please don't throw stale bread or pianos at me because of my AWFUL pun in the title. _**

**TM: It's so scary that Scott considers becoming afraid of synchronized actions as well. But then he decides that one therapist bill is enough. - Actually CF wrote that, but I think it fits. . . **

**Chapter 5- A Real Nightmare**

"Where's Jean?" TM asks, looking totally unconcerned. Actually, she only cares because Jean's one part will be coming up soon and CF plans to catch it on tape.

"I think she's steeling herself for the humility about to come…" Lightning says. "Either that, or Pyro set her hair on fire again."

Jean comes running towards them, her hair smoking. They look at each other while she screams various death threats at them.

"I think both," TM says, blinking. "Yeah, most definitely."

"Okay, it's time to start," Raven snaps suddenly at the rest of the mutants. They remove the POBP and the scene begins.

It's in the Pit of Despair, lit by electric torches because, well, they've got Pyro there. Remy's lying chained on a table. Suddenly, something really frightening enters—

"Oh, ha ha," Pietro says. "Very funny." TM taps Wanda, who holds up a glowing blue fist, and Pietro shuts up.

"Where am I?" Remy says dazedly.

"The Pit of Despair," Pietro whispers. He begins putting some stuff on Remy's fake wounds. Off-scene, Rogue smirks at the fact that Remy's shirtless. Pietro continues. "Don't even think—" he coughs, gasps, gags, wheezes, sputters, hacks, and chokes, and suddenly his voice is regular. "Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick, and don't even think of rescue, because the only ones who know the secret way in are the Prince, the Count, and I."

"Den 'm here till I die?"

"Until they kill you." Pietro smirks, but it's quickly wiped off as he catches the look on Rogue's face.

"Den why bother curin' Remy?"

"The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken."

"Ahh. Torture, den. Remy can cope wit' torture." Pietro shakes his head. "Y' don' believe Remy?"

"You survived the Fire Swamp. You must be very brave, or very stupid, or very lucky, or all three," Pietro pauses. "But nobody withstands The Machine." Remy's eyes glow and the All-Knowing POBP gets another entrance.

"Hey, where's CF?" TM asks Raven and Lightning, looking around. "I thought she didn't want to miss this."

"Ohh, I won't," CF says, appearing out of nowhere with a video camera, grinning evilly as Lightning takes out the POBP after the scene is all set up.

Rogue is walking slowly down a hallway in the castle, Scott and Kurt watching.

"She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp," Scott says. "It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her."

"SUUUUURE," everyone else mutters.

"Of course," Kurt says.

Then, the scene switches to the main square of Florin, and there are tons of people.

"The king died that very night, and before dawn, Rogue and Scooterdinck were married," the Professor reads. On stage, Scott, Mystique, and Kurt are standing on the balcony. "And at noon, she met her subjects again. This time as their queen."

CF and TM twitch at the very thought of Scogue. Scott begins to speak.

"My...urgh…_father's_ last words to me were—"

"Hold it, Professor!" Jamie yells, and the camera freezes, Scott looking really idiotic, even more than usual.

"Hold it, yourself, little boy!" Raven growls at him. "You can't call him that."

"What?" Jamie says aggravatingly.

"Professor," Lightning says. "You can't call him professor."

"Oh, for crying out loud! Why not?" Jamie groans.

"Because. . ." TM says.

"He's not your teacher in this movie," drones CF, "he's your grandfather!"

"Now, Stick to the script, or we'll just see how well Forge's torture machine really works." Raven says grinning.

"Raven!" CF and TM both shout at once. Scott starts crying profusely.

"He's just a kid!" Lightning reminds her.

"I hate children," Raven deadpans.

Jamie gulps. "Hold it, _Grandfather_," he continues, making sure to emphasize that line. "You read that wrong, you idiot! Rogue doesn't marry that idiotic idiot Scooterdinck, she marries Remy, I'm sure of it. Plus, I bet Bobby ten bucks."

"Well, who says you win all the bets in life you make? Now shut up, and let me continue." Scott begins to speak again.

"—love her as I loved her, and there will be joy. I present to you your queen, Queen Rogue!"

Rogue comes out from that door…place…thing. And suddenly, everyone kneels, except for one person…

"BOOO!"

The four directors crack up as Jean is shoved rather forcibly onto the stage, held at flamethrower-point…um, nozzle. Her clothes are rags and her hair is gray. She looks really disgusting. CF hits the record button on her video camera.

_If this dye is permanent, I'll KILL you! _The telepath screams inside the directors' heads. They all look at each other and say simultaneously,

"Whoops."

Scott yelps and falls off the balcony, but Jean catches him with her TK, and while TM and CF are all up for letting him fall, Raven and Lighting let him be lifted back up via Jean's TK.

"Why do ya do this?" Rogue asks Jean, who is still booing. The Gothic mutant is trying to keep a straight face.

"Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up!"

"But they would've killed Remy if Ah hadn't done it!"

"Your true love lives and you marry another—" Jean whirls to face the crowd, almost tripping over her own feet. (Klutz…) "True love saved her in the Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage. That's what she is, the Queen of Refuse! So bow down to her if you want. Bow to the Queen of Slime, Filth, Putrescence—"

"Someone call?" Toad appears behind the directors. CF glares and blasts him with her flamethrower.

"—Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo!"

Everyone is laughing as Jean advances on Rogue. Rogue is actually about to let the telepath try and strangle her (seeing as Jean is without gloves) but Raven shakes her head warningly. Suddenly, with a little help from Pietro and the POBP, Rogue sits up in a bed, eyes fearful. She grabs a robe (to Remy's disappointment), puts it on, and runs. CF stops recording.

"It was ten days until the wedding. The King still lived, but Rogue's nightmares were growing worse."

"Yeah, anything with Jean in it is a nightmare for _sure_," Bobby shudders.

"See?" Jamie says triumphantly. "I told you she'd never marry that stupid Scooterdinck."

"Yeah, yeah, you're smart, whatever. Shut up." Jamie rolls his eyes and mutters some inaudible death threats as, on stage, Rogue bursts into Scott's office-y…thing. Kurt is standing next to Scott.

"It comes to this: Ah love Remy. Ah always have. Ah know now Ah always will. If ya tell meh Ah must marry ya in ten days, please believe Ah will be dead by morning."

Her words ring sincere…maybe a bit too sincere, as Raven smirks. Scott is stunned.

"I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off." He looks to Kurt. "You returned this Remy to his ship?"

"_Ja._"

"Then we will simply alert him. But—" everyone winces, "—Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.

"Mah Remy will always come for meh," Rogue says quietly. Scott shrugs.

"I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Sinister is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Remy wants you, bless you both. If not ... please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

"Ah'd rathah kill mahself than marry ya—but, okay, cause it's in the script."

Hurriedly, the scene switches to one in the forest, with many trees with large knots on them. Meanwhile, CF and TM are discussing the tape of Jean's humiliation, and Scott and Kurt appear on-stage.

"Your Princess is really a vinning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable," Kurt says. "Don't kill me, _schwester_."

"Oh, I know. The people are quite taken with her," Scott says. "It's odd, but when I hired Johnny to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war."

"It's impossible for Scott to be clever," Wolverine mutters. "That's why everything goes wrong." Kurt is searching around for something.

"Stupid secret knot…" He hits a knot on a tree and watches as a secret door opens. "Are you coming down into zhe Pit? Remy's got his strength back. I am starting him on Zhe Machine tonight."

"I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, MY wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."

"Jean, take notice," Lance mutters.

"Get some rest—if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anyzhing," Kurt says, hurrying down the stairs.

"Yeah, cause he sure as heck ain't got brains," CF mutters.

Count Wagner smiles and hurries down the stairs as the tree slides back perfectly into place.

Yet another scene-switch to a huge…machine…thing. Creatively named 'The Machine'. How original.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Kurt comments as Pietro sticks suction cups all over Remy. "It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered _mein_ deep and script-abiding interest in pain. At present I'm vriting zhe definitive vork on zhe subject. So I vant you to be totally honest vith me on how Zhe Machine makes you feel."

He turns the dial on the huge…machine…thing up to 1. He watches as water flows, turning a wheel, and other huge…machine…thing-like stuff happens. Suddenly, Remy's body goes stiff (he's faking it, don't kill us), and he begins to gasp incoherently, trying to break the chains. Kurt keeps talking.

"As you know, zhe concept of zhe suction pump is centuries old. Vell, really, zhat's all zhis is. Except zhat I've just sucked one year of your life avay. I might vun day go as high as five, but I really don't know vhat zhat vould do to you. So, let's just start vith vhat ve have. Vhat did zhis do to you? Tell me. And remember, zhis is for posterity, so be honest -- how do you feel?"

And finally, tears start to come out of Remy's eyes, thanks to Pietro, an eyedropper, and the fact that Remy's thinking about what would happen if Rogue died. Raven smirks again. Kurt is writing in a notebook.

"Interesting."

"And CUT!"

Scott runs away to his happy place as CF cheers. "Yeah Jean torture!"

"Shhh," TM motions, and CF hurriedly hits the button on her video camera as they watch Rogue go up to Remy as he takes off the plastic chains and cheap but still really creepy suction cups.

"Nice actin' there, Swamp Rat," she says, trying to disguise the fact that she was worried about him.

"It was, wasn' it, _chere_?" Remy grins, putting an arm around her as they head backstage and CF smirks, popping the tape out of her recorder.

"Blackmail, anyone?"

**REVIEW RESPONSES:**

**Chained2amask-**

**CF: **_Never gets old is right! Yeah, women aren't that stupid, but I guess they thought it was funny ((rolls eyes))_

**TM: **Glad you are enjoying our version anyway. Scott torture always makes me smile. :)

**Blue-fuzzy-**

**CF: **_Yeah…Pyro…((drools))_

**TM:** Another Pyro fan, huh? Guess I'll have to be on my toes. . . Hope you're not a pyromaniac like my dear friend CF here, though. . . lol.

**Heartsyhawk-**

**CF: **_Rebellious phase, eh? Bribe them with Pixi Stix and I swear, they'll worship you and do illegal work for you forever ;) Homework is why we haven't updated…cause it was my turn to do the chapter. Hehe. Sorry. Thanks!_

**TM: **Yes, yes, rent the movie. This will be twice as funny if you've seen Andre the Giant as Fezzik. . . Sorry this took so long. . . I've had a long hard month. . . And some one FORGOT about it. . . (coughCFcough)

**Chica De Los Ojos Café-**

**CF: **_Yeah, but if it was Jean, I have a feeling Raven would have been a lot harder on her. LOL. Thanks._

**TM: **Who are you kidding CF? If it was ANYONE but Rogue, Raven would have been a lot harder on her. Lol. . .

**REVIEW THREATS:**

**CF: Oy! People, review, or I shall be forced to make elaborate death threats while tying you up in duct tape, playing the Song that Never Ends and/or the Barney Theme Song while whacking you repeatedly with a plastic bat and a piece of dead trout.**

**TM: Not Barney anything but Barney! Or Teletubbies! Or The Wiggles! Or any other show that was made for kids under the age of one! (Runs away screaming!)**


	7. Chapter 6: Talk About Nightmares

**Disclaimer: Zombie Chickens (read Oops), Slightly Insane Plot Fairies, and Rabid Evil Pyromaniac Squirrels of DOOM have ran off with the disclaimer that states that neither Cat2Fat900 nor Rogue238 own the X-Men or The Princess Bride.**

**ANs:**

_**CF: Enjoy and wait to kill us until we finish the story!**_

**TM: Don't kill me! Don't kill me! It's in the script! I swear it's in the script!**

**Chapter 6 – Talk About Nightmares. . .**

Rogue walks into the room and straight to the directors. "Ah've been reading the script and Ah just have ta ask? What the. . ."

"Don't even finish that sentence," TM orders, rolling her eyes.

"All will be revealed," CF says with shifty eyes and a low mysterious voice, "In time."

"Aw, just forget it," Rogue sighs, throwing the script down and going to change. She's really sick of arguing with them. Really, what good does it do to argue with two crazy girls and Raven and Lightning? Not that Raven and Lightning aren't crazy, of course, it's just nobody's got the guts (and the lack of a brain) to tell Raven so.

CF shares an evil grin with Raven and TM pats them both on the head.

"Don't touch me," Raven growls.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. . ." TM says lightly.

"How can you forget about that?" Raven groans.

"Some people don't have photographic memories, Raven," Lightning taunts.

Raven starts to respond, but she's cut off by a very loud scream. Jean runs in, screaming. TM, CF, Lightning, and everyone else besides Raven and Scott start laughing.

Jean's once beautiful red hair is now purple. And not a nice purple like Psylocke's.

"What happened to you?" Raven groans.

"_Someone_," Jean glares at Pyro, "changed my hair dye, I mean, shampoo, with purple hair dye!"

That causes everyone who was laughing before to laugh even harder.

"Jean. . ." Tabby laughs, "dyes her hair!"

Jean groans and goes to try and wash the dye from her hair.

TM leans close to CF and says, "You're right, having Pyro around the set is definitely a lot of fun."

"Told you so!" CF says with a grin.

"Lights!" Raven shouts, interrupting the madness, "Camera! Action!"

The scene opens to Scott's office where he and Evan are having a discussion. Evan is dressed in a rather stupid looking costume. "Daniels!" Scott calls.

"What is it with everyone wearing skirts back then?" TM muses.

Evan comes to the desk, bows to Scott and then kneels down close to him, "Sire."

"As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder_ my_ bride on our wedding night," Scott tells him with a nervous look at Jean.

"My spy network has heard no such news," Evan argues.

"Well, what good can _your _spy network be?" Scott growls.

Raven clears her throat. She and CF time their statement perfectly, "Stick to the script!"

Scott screams and shivers, but nods frantically.

Rogue walks in, "Any word from Remy?"

Scott and Evan turn towards her. "Too soon, my angel. Patience."

"He will come fer me," Rogue says decidedly.

"Of course," Scott answers. Rogue leaves and he turns, once again, to Evan. "She will _not _be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested."

Evan looks none too eager to hear his assignment, "Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate."

"Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed," Scott says aggravated.

"It won't be easy, sire," Evan complains, leaving.

"Try ruling the world sometime." Scott sighs, turning back to his endless piles of papers. The POBP is placed in front of the camera, amidst a few mutterings from CF—"Ruling the world? Don't even TALK to me about how hard that is!"

The scene is quickly set up and the All Important POBP is removed.

A forest scene opens as a bunch of extras move more extras into a jailor-style cart. These are the thieves of the Thieves Forest; the Brute Squad is rounding them up. Evan is standing on top of the cart, looking like the idiot he is.

Off screen, the Professor's voice is heard, "The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full carrying out Scooterdinck's orders."

Evan looks at Lance, who is dressed in armor that's probably much too heavy for him. He calls down to Lance, "Is everybody out?"

"Almost. There's a Canadian giving us some trouble," Lance says.

"Well, you give him some trouble! Move!" He orders and the cart begins to move suddenly, causing Evan to fall on his butt and most of the cast to laugh quietly.

Logan, completely drunk, is sitting in front of a hovel in the forest, glaring at a very evil looking Raven who is once again holding her beloved remote to the electric shock device. He holds a bottle of tea that reads Brandy in one hand and the two-fingered sword in the other. "I am waiting for you, Johnny!" He shouts to the air, obviously unaware of Pyro's big death scene. "You told me to go back to the beginning, bub. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved." He takes another drink of the "brandy," but stops as Lance comes into view.

"Ho there," Lance calls. "Who writes this stuff, really now?"

Raven's eyes begin to glow and she mutters something about putting a shock device in Lance's outfit.

Lance gulps, "Uh, sorry. I'll just stick to the script from now on."

"Good idea," TM tells him.

Logan growls, but says, "I do not budge. . . Keep your 'Ho there,' bub." He waves the sword dangerously close to Lance.

Lance gulps again and backs up, "But the Prince gave orders. . ."

"So did Johnny," Logan growls. "When a job goes wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So, it's the beginning, and I'm staying until Johnny comes!"

Lance gestures to someone off screen, "You! Brute! Please don't kill me, it's in the script. Come here!"

Logan says slurred and slowly, "I – am – waiting – for – Johnny!"

Off screen, a voice sounds, "You surely are a meanie."

Logan feels a hand on his back. He compares it to his own hand. His hand is much smaller.

It's Piotr's hand. "Hello," the Russian says.

"It's you."

"True," Piotr says.

Lance, scared out of his mind, decides to take a club to knock Logan out. Unfortunately for him, Piotr saw him. Piotr punches him hard and Lance goes flying off screen. Pietro tries to catch him, but the force is so strong that they both go flying into a wall. "Ouch," Pietro says, pushing the unconscious Lance off of him. Piotr smiles slightly.

"You do not look so good," Piotr tells Logan, who lets out a breath of air in Piotr's face as a protest. "You do not smell so good either."

"Perhaps not," is Logan's response, "I feel fine."

"Yeah?" Colossus asks, letting go of Logan, who immediately pretends to faint.

"Crazy drunk," Lance mutters from where he's lying off-stage.

"The correct term is _alcoholic_," CF says with a sip of Pepsi.

The POBP is put up again as they rush to an empty alehouse. When the POBP is removed, Logan is sitting at a table as Piotr feeds him some strange looking stew. Logan eyes it warily. "Did Kitty make this?"

"No, Jean did."

Logan groans, but takes a bite.

Off screen, the Professor says, "Piotr and Logan were reunited. And as Piotr nursed his inebriated (1) friend back to health, he told Logan of Johnny's death and the existence of Count Wagner, the two fingered man. Considering Logan's lifelong search, he took the news surprisingly well."

Logan pretends to faint again and falls head first into Jean's stew.

Piotr readies two large tubs. One has steaming hot water in it. The other has freezing cold water. Then he takes Logan and dunks his head in the cold water. Then, after a while, he takes him out and dunks him in the hot water. Then, back into the cold water, and then the hot water again, and so on and so forth.

Off screen, we hear the Professor, "Piotr took great care in reviving Logan."

By this time, Logan is completely sober and has had enough. He pushes Piotr away from him and stands up. "That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Wagner so I can kill him, bub?"

"He is in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men," Piotr tells him.

"How many could you handle?" Logan asks.

"I do not think more than ten," Piotr says, shrugging.

Logan does the math on his fingers and claws. "That leaves twenty for me." The next sentence comes out through gritted teeth as he lies out right, "At my best, I could never defeat that many." Then, he sits down sadly. "I need Johnny to plan. I have no gift for strategy." He looks up. "Who in their right mind would let Pyro plan _any_thing?"

CF clears her throat very loudly.

"I said, who in their _right _mind. . ." Logan groans.

Raven has had enough and with an evil grin, pushes the button on the remote.

Logan's body convulses as an extreme amount of electricity courses through it. Afterwards, he stumbles a bit before muttering, "I'm okay, I'm okay. . . sticking to the script. . . now."

"Thank you," all four directors say. Scott screams in absolute fear.

"But Johnny is dead," Piotr says.

Both men look very solemn for a bit. Then Logan looks up, "No, not Johnny. . . I need the Man in Black!"

"Vhat?"

"Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Johnny, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day. Let's go. . ."

"Vhere?"

"To find the Man in Black, obviously," Logan claims, halfway to the door.

Piotr looks extremely confused, "But you don't know vhere he is."

"Don't bother me with trifles; after twenty years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace." Logan is wild with passion, "There will be blood tonight!"

The POBP returns and we find ourselves back in Scott's office when it's removed.

He is sharpening a knife. Evan enters and kneels.

"Don't hurt yourself, now," TM laughs.

"What? With the knife or the fact that he's thinking?" Lightning snickers.

Scott stares at the knife. "Rise and report."

"The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate," Evan spouts off automatically.

"Double it," Scott orders. "My Princess must be safe."

"The gate has but one key, and I carry that." Evan shows him the key, which is on a cord around his neck.

Just then, Rogue walks in. Scott immediately goes to her with open arms, "Ah! My dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon."

Rogue looks at him funny, "Every ship but yer four fastest, ya mean."

Now it's Scott turn to stare blankly, although you can't really tell. Glasses and all.

"Every ship but the four ya sent," she insists.

Scott recalls the empty promise, "Yes, yes, of course. Naturally, not those four."

Evan decides to skip out on this argument with a bow and a, "Your Majesties."

Rogue looks very angry. "Ya never sent the ships. Don't bother lyin'. It don't mattah. Remy will come fer me anyway."

"You're a silly girl." Scott says sharply, inwardly cringing at what Rogue would do to him if that statement wasn't in the script.

"Yeah, Ah am a silly girl, fer not havin' seen sooner that ya were nothin' but a coward with a heart fulla fear!" She practically shouts at him.

Scott is near bursting. No one talks to him that way and gets away with it. Except, of course, for everyone he knows. "I – would – not – say – such – things – if – I – were – you."

"Why not? Ya can't hurt me. Remy and Ah are joined by the bonds of love. And ya cannot track that. Not with a thousand bloodhounds. And ya cannot break it. Not with a thousand swords. And when Ah say yah're a coward, that is only because y'all are the slimiest weakling eveh ta crawl the earth!" she screams at him.

Scott, still trying to hold his temper, but failing miserably, yells through gritted teeth, "I – would – not – say – such – things – if – I – were – you." He grabs her by the hair and pulls her along with him. He throws her into her bedroom and locks her in. Then, he runs away. Off-stage, Piotr has a firm hand on Remy's shoulder, repeatedly muttering "It's in the script".

The POBP returns. When it's removed, the scene has changed to the inside of The Pit of Despair and Remy is lying in The Machine. It's off, and Kurt is sitting at his desk, making notes in his book. He looks up at the sound of Scott's angry footsteps.

Scott rushes in and stops near the machine to rage at Remy, "You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will." He whirls around to the dials of the machine.

Kurt shouts, "Not to fifty!"

But it's too late, for Scott has turned the dial up to it's highest setting.

Raven projects an image of Rogue dying into Remy's head, and that causes the look on his face to look very real. It's an intense look of extreme pain. He starts to scream as Raven mentally reassures him that Rogue is perfectly fine and he must scream anyway. The scream grows louder and louder as a miniature microphone is placed in front of him and the volume is turned up louder and louder. It's a scream of death. . .

On the side of the stage, Rogue is crying and eventually has to turn away, for fear that Remy is really hurt.

Outside the castle, Evan and the sixty extras that are serving as the castle guards are quivering in fear at the sound of the scream.

Rogue, locked in her bedroom, hears the sound, but doesn't know what it is. Her arms involuntarily hold her body as she shakes from fear.

Crowds of people, gathered there for the 500th anniversary, hear the noise and look around. Children run to their mothers. Piotr and Logan are trying to make their way through the crowd.

Logan stops and turns to Piotr as the scream starts to fade, "Piotr, Piotr, listen, do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Wagner slaughtered my father. The Man in Black makes it now."

"The Man in Black?" Piotr says, disbelieving.

"His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate Suffering?" Logan asks, as if it was a stupid question. He turns back to trying to push his way through the crowd, "Excuse me." He's not having much luck. "Pardon me, it's important." The sound in starting to fade faster and he starts to get frantic. "Piotr, Please!"

Piotr simply yells out, "Everybody, move!"

The crowd quickly parts as they run through. "Thank you, bub." Logan says.

"Cut!" The four directors yell out. Scott screams again.

Rogue runs to Gambit, who is already out of the machine. "Are ya okay?" He wraps his arms around her.

"Don't worry about Remy. He's fine." is his reply.

"Ah wasn't worried, Ah was just…" She thinks for a moment, unable to come up with an excuse. "No, Ah was worried. That scream of yers had me really scared."

Remy smiles. He's winning her over. "Well, a certain telepath," he says with a glare, "showed Remy the most horrifying image he's ever seen."

Raven grins her evilest grin, "I only wished the scene to look realistic."

Rogue looks at Remy and then Raven with confusion written all over her face. "Well, it was certainly realistic, Ah thought he was really in pain."

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that," Forge says.

"Yeah, it's not plugged in," CF states.

"We're saving that for someone we don't like," Raven smirks at Scott, Jean and Evan.

Jean is hiding in a corner and doesn't notice anything around her…nothing but her hideous looking hair… "My hair…my beautiful hair…" she says amongst the sobbing.

"What beautiful hair?" The directors deadpan. Scott runs and hides behind the Professor.

And off we go to plan our next chapter…

(1) Drunken (CFN: The correct term is ALCOHOLIC! TMN: Not for inebriated. Alcoholic means someone who is addicted to alcohol, while inebriated simply means someone who is drunk. Not every person who gets drunk is an alcoholic. :P Logan is, but that's beside the point…CFN: Hehe, whoops.)

REVIEW RESPONSES:

**This is where we'd normally reply to reviews, but since that is now illegal. . . We've already reviewed in the new-fashioned way. :P**

REVIEW THREATS:

**CF: The squirrels are also annoyed about the new changes to FFNET. Do you REALLY want them to test out their new flamethrowers?**

**TM: My plot fairies are already unhappy about the new review replies thing. . . Don't make them madder by not reviewing. . . **


	8. Chapter 7: It'll Take A Miracle

**DISCLAIMER: CF and TM wish they owned the X-Men, but alas. . . they do not. Rogue238 does own Raven and Lightning. . . but that's about it.**

**ANs:**

_**CF: Yep…it was all my fault. ((hangs head in shame))**_

**TM: Here we go round the mulberry bush. . . oh never mind. Sorry it took so long. I'd like to take this time to say. . . It was all _her_ fault! Lol. **

**Chapter 7- It'll Take A Miracle**

Jean has finally stopped mourning her…beautiful…hair. Oh, who are we kidding? Jean has finally stopped sobbing, but the New Recruits are snickering quietly. Even Logan can't quite hide his smile, and the directors gave up on trying a long time ago. They do, however want to continue with the movie, so for once they say nothing.

"Everyone! To your places!" Raven calls authoritatively. "That means _you_, Pietro. I don't _care_ if your hair is messy. Get to your PLACE!" Her eyes begin to glow scarily. Pietro gulps and zips to just offstage, holding a plastic wheelbarrow.

The scene opens onto a grove of trees near the Pit of Despair. Pietro walks out, wheeling the wheelbarrow, when suddenly Wolverine's sword stops him.

"Where is the Man in Black, bub?" Logan growls. Pietro shakes his head like an idiot, saying nothing. "Ya get there from this grove, yes?" When there is no answer, Logan grins ferally. "Tin Man, jog his memory, if ya will." Piotr smiles imperceptibly and hits Pietro really hard on top of the head. The speed demon crumples to the ground.

"I'm sorry, Logan," Piotr says. "I did not mean to jog him so hard. Logan?"

Wolverine has knelt down, holding out his magic cardboard sword.

"Father, I have failed you for twenty years," he says in a low voice. Remy has to turn away to keep from bursting out in laughter. "Now our misery can end. Somewhere ... somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please. Guide my sword!"

He stands up and begins to walk like a man in a dream. The only thing keeping him going in the right (albeit stumbling) direction is Magneto's power pulling him along by the metal on his bones. His sword sticks into a knot on a tree and he opens his eyes triumphantly—

Nothing happens.

He sighs in despair and collapses against a—THE—knot on the tree. The secret door opens. Piotr looks at him in surprise and they both start down the secret staircase.

The scene switches quickly to Remy lying on the table, supposedly dead by the Machine. Rogue turns her face away to hide her all too evident tears.

"He is dead," Piotr says quietly. Rogue bites her lip, even though she knows it's not real. Wolverine just seems to collapse in on himself, sagging in his standing position.

"It ain't fair," he mutters. Suddenly, Jamie's voice is heard on voice-over.

"Professor, Professor, wait—" Cut to Jamie's room. "—Wait, what did Piotr mean, "He's dead?" I mean he didn't mean dead. Remy's only faking, right?"

"Do you want me to read this or not?" Xavier asks.

"Not," Jamie says, "…but it makes for good JOTT blackmail material, so carry on!" He says quickly after glancing nervously at the four glaring directors. "Who gets Scooterdinck?"

"I don't understand."

"Well, duh, you're a really old, senile bald telepath dude," Jamie mutters, "Who kills Scooterdinck? Is it Logan?"

"He lives," the Professor says.

"You mean he wins? Jeez, Professor, what did you read me this thing for?" Jamie looks really annoyed.

"You know, you're sick, and I think you're taking this story too seriously. We should stop now." He makes as if to wheel himself out the door. Just in case he actually tries to make a break for it, Raven makes Jean hold him there via TK.

"No, I'm okay, I'm okay," Jamie protests. "Sit down, all right?"

"I'm already sitting," says the Professor. "But…anyway! Where were we? Ah yes. The Pit of Despair…"

Back to the scene.

"Well, we Howletts have never taken defeat easily," Logan says. "We Howletts? Since when did I _know_ my parents?"

A cough from TM shuts him up.

"C'mon, Piotr, bring the body."

"The body?" Piotr asks, hoisting up Remy's body easily.

"Do ya have any money?"

"A little, I zhink."

"I hope it's enough ta buy a miracle." They head up the stairs, and the scene switches to an old hut, and Logan knocks on the door. An old voice comes from off-stage, Forge has rigged a microphone that sounds like Bobby's voice, except really, REALLY old.

"GO AWAY!" Logan, not taking no for an answer (like he ever does) pounds again. A small door opens and Bobby appears. CF snorts, spitting her Pepsi back into her can.

"That's disgusting," Roberto says. CF is too busy laughing to care. Bobby looks like the aged version of Magneto. Except a hundred times as old. With white hair.

"And, might I ask, what is wrong with white hair?" Storm asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing," TM says hastily. "It's just…_Bobby_."

"What do you want?" Bobby snaps, on-stage. Logan is trying really hard to keep from laughing.

"Are you the Miracle Bobby who worked for the king?"

"The King's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!"

"You can't paper cut ice," Scott begins, but Raven waves a hand and he immediately flies out of sight with a crash and the sound of a cat yowling. Bobby glares at Logan, who keeps pounding.

"Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!"

"I'm on ze Brute Squad." Bobby eyes Piotr nervously.

"You ARE the Brute Squad." Wolverine clears his throat and interrupts.

"We need a miracle, bub, it's pretty important."

"Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."

"Woah, bitter much?" Jean mutters from off-stage. Several empty soda cans are thrown at her, courtesy of the directors.

"He's already dead," Logan says bluntly. Bobby looks interested.

"Really? I'll take a look. C'mon in." The two carry Remy in and lay him on a table. Bobby pokes him.

"Real smooth," Jubilee mutters from off-stage.

"I've seen worse," Bobby says. "Just look at that time we tried to kill Jean—"

"THAT WAS YOU?" Jean yells in rage. All the New Recruits blink at her.

"We thought the ice and the sign in Bobby's and Jubilee's handwriting sort of gave it away." Jean mutters something and sulks off.

"Aren't you a telepath?" Lightning asks.

"Well, it IS Jean. . ." Raven trails.

"Can we get back to the play?" CF asks politely.

"Oh yeah, sure," Lightning and Raven say at the same time. Another yowling is heard off stage that sounds an awful lot like Scott.

"We're sort of in a hurry," Logan snarls on stage.

"Don't rush me, sonny—what the heck, he's like 150 years old!—anyway," Bobby gulps at the murderous looks of the directors. "You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?"

"Sixty-five," Logan says.

"Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause." Bobby says.

"This is noble, sir," Logan says. The last word kills him. "His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation." 

"Boy, is that inaccurate," Ray says tactlessly. "Because if he marries Rogue, like we all know he will, it's not like they can touch—OW!" Rogue retreats, pulling her glove back on and smiling a touch evilly as she steps over the unconscious Ray. Up on stage, Bobby tries to control his snickers.

"Are you a rotten liar," he says. Logan growls.

"I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years," Logan says.

"Your first story was better," Bobby says. "Where's that bellows? I'll ask him why you want him alive…probably owes you money…"

"OOOH!" Pyro yells excitedly. "Are you gonna make a pretty fire?"

"Shut up and go be dead," Raven snaps at the pyromaniac, who glares back at her and retreats. CF glares at her behind her back.

"He can't talk," Logan says, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world. Bobby glares at him.

"Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth." Bobby sticks the end of the bellows in Remy's mouth and pumps, while continuing to talk. "Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."

"What's that?"

"Go through his clothes and look for loose change."

Roberto shoots him a glare. "That's where my quarter went."

"You can't prove anything!" Bobby yells, then coughs, resuming his role. He leans over Remy. "Hey, you! What's so important, huh? What've you got to live for?" Amazingly, a few hoarse, barely intelligible words come from Remy's mouth. 

"True…love…"

"You heard him! True love…what cause is more noble than that?"

"Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated –"

Half the cast stares at him.

"LIAR! LIIIARR!" Jubilee comes rushing out of another room. She also looks older, but not as old as Bobby.

"Get back, witch!" Bobby shouts. He winces. "I am gonna be sooo fried…"

"I'm not a witch, I'm your best friend—er, wife!" Jubilee shouts. "But after what you just said, I'm not sure I even want to be that anymore! Ew, why would I want that anyway?"

"Thanks Jubes," Bobby mutters, a hurt look on his face. "You never had it so good."

"True love. He said true love, my God, Bobby! I mean, I always knew you were stupid, but…"

"Don't say another word, Jubilee!"

"He's afraid!" Jubilee says triumphantly. "Ever since Prince Scooterdinck fired him, his confidence has been shattered! Not like he ever had much anyway," she adds as an afterthought. Bobby backs away.

"You promised me you'd never say that name!"

"What? Scooterdinck? Scooterdinck, Scooterdinck, Scooterdinck!" Bobby claps hands over his ears.

"NOT LISTENING!"

"A hot guy dying—whoops, sorry Rogue, heh—and you don't have the decency to help?"

"NOT LISTENING!" Bobby whirls on Logan and Piotr. "You're NOT HEARING ANYTHING!"

"Says you," Logan mutters. "_I_ have sensitive hearing." He clears his throat. "But this is Rogue's true love! If you heal him, he'll stop Scooterdinck's wedding!"

"Shut it, Jubes," Bobby says to Jubilee, who glares at him. "Wait. Wait, I make him better and Scooterdinck suffers?"

"Humiliations galore—who the heck uses galore, anyway?"

"I don't know, you were the one in WWII," Raven snaps. "Back. To. The. Script."

"Now, that's a noble cause! Torturing Scooter is ALWAYS a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five, I'm on the job!" Jubilee cheers. Quickly, the scene cuts to Bobby holding a piece of chocolate.

"I'm hungry," Evan says randomly. CF grabs Pyro's flamethrower and shoots a flame at him, and they're all amused by his running around with his hair on fire for a few minutes as the scene continues onstage.

"That's a miracle pill?" Logan snorts. 

"The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what? An hour?"

Jubilee turns to Bobby.

"Yeah, an hour," Bobby says, watching as Logan and Piotr pick up Remy, heading for the door.

"Thank you for everything," Logan says. "Jubilee, don't hurt him too much."

"Okay," Jubilee calls. "See ya, boys!"

"Have fun storming the castle!" Bobby shouts, waving.

"Think it'll work?"

"It would take a miracle."

"And…cut!" TM yells. Remy sits up from where Logan unceremoniously dumped him back stage, cracking his neck. 

"Was it necessary t' drop m' dat hard?" He complains.

"Yes," Logan says, thoroughly enjoying himself. "Yes, it was."

"Oh come on, Swamp Rat," Rogue says mischievously, glad he's not pretending to be dead anymore. "Can't take a little pain?"

Remy stares at her in shock. "Is dat a challenge, River Rat?"

Rogue has an evil glint in her eye, "Yup."

Jubilee looks at Bobby, "So THAT'S where Raven gets that evil look. . ."

By this time, Rogue and Remy are fighting and a betting pool has been started. 

Bobby just shrugs at Jubilee. "Hey, Jamie! Let me in on that!"

Raven rolls her eyes at the other directors. "How childish. . ." she mutters, indicating the betting pool. She raises an eyebrow at a returning CF.

"What?" CF asks. "I bet on Rogue."

"Good idea," TM laughs.

"I'm surrounded by idiots. . ." Raven groans.

**REVIEW THREATS: **

**_CF: Review or else the squirrels will find you. Through secret mind-seeking waves, which cannot be blocked by tinfoil hats!_**

TM: Review now or the Plot Fairies will join up with CF's squirrels in an effort to take over the world and track down all those who don't review and hurt them endlessly. . .


	9. Chapter 8: The Nightmares Return

**DISCLAIMER: The disclaimer saying we don't own X-Men or The Princess Bride has been ruined with purple hair dye…and not a nice purple like Psylocke's hair, either. An evil purple, born from combining lovely purple dye with Jean's hair.**

**ANs:**

_**CF: Of course, the geckos could be conspiring to pretend to be killed, when in reality they go down into the sewers a la the Morlocks, and create a giant gecko robot that will then—((looks around)) Oh, you mean this isn't Conspiracy Theories 101?**_

**TM: I hear people trust advertising icons. . . but really who in their right mind would let a gecko baby-sit their children? I've seen geckos. . . they're small and easy to kill.**

**Chapter 8- The Nightmares Return**

CF sits in her chair, sipping her Pepsi and counting the money she made by betting on Rogue, when suddenly, Evan runs by covered in squirrels. "AHHHHHH! Get them off me! Get them off me!" he screams.

TM, Raven and Lightning walk up about then. "What did he do this time?" TM asks CF.

CF shrugs, "He was born."

The other directors look at each other and shrug. "Good reason," Lightning says sitting down.

Raven grins at the sight until she catches sight of Forge in his costume. "Forge, how's that speech device coming along?" She goes over to him, followed by CF and TM.

Rogue walks in angrily. "Ah ain't gonna do it!" she yells, dropping the script at Lightning's feet.

"Yes you are," all four directors say.

Scott screams in terror and runs to hide behind the Professor, "Save me!"

"I'm not your father, you know," Charles Xavier says, highly annoyed.

"But. . . but. . . my father is dead," Scott whines.

"Is he?" the Professor says mysteriously.

"Ah ain't!" Rogue yells above the other voices.

"Rogue," Lightning groans. "It's just a play."

"It's the most disgustin' thin' in the world!" she shouts.

"Gee, thanks, Rogue," Scott deadpans.

"We agree," CF assures her, "but it's in the script."

"Great," Scott whines, "is everyone against me?"

"I'm not," Jean of the purple hair says softly.

"No, Scott," TM says gently, "Not everyone. . . we are, but not everyone. We all have saved _that _honor for Evan."

"Can we start the play now?" Lightning whines.

"No!" the other three directors say.

Scott whimpers.

"But. . ." Lightning whines.

"Patience, my dear," Raven says patronizingly.

"He is rather impatient, isn't he?" TM says.

"Tell me about it," Raven groans.

"Please!" he whines again.

"Okay, fine!" Raven says, giving in. "Forge's speech impediment device seems to be working, so. . ."

"Lights!" CF calls out.

"Camera!" TM says.

"Action!" Lightning says happily.

Logan and Piotr carry Remy's limp body to the top of the outer wall of the castle. They set Remy's body down roughly.

"Ouch," he whines.

"Gambit, you're supposed to be dead," TM whines.

"But dat hurt!"

"Just get back to the script," Raven groans.

Remy goes back to pretending to be dead. Piotr looks over the castle wall, where sixty extras guard the door. "Logan, zhere are more zhan thirty," he says.

"What's the difference?" He points at Remy's "dead" body. "We've got him," he takes out the pill. "Help me here. We'll have to force feed him." At which point, Remy glares at the directors.

When they glare back, he goes back to being dead.

"Has it been fifteen minutes?" Piotr asks.

"We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour and we must strike in the hustle and bustle beforehand." Logan loves a good fight and he can sense one coming up, even if it is in the script.

During this, Piotr has managed to get Remy into a sitting position.

Logan orders, "tilt his head back. Open his mouth." All of which Piotr complies with no complaint.

"How long do ve have to vait to know if zhe miracle vorks?" Piotr asks.

Logan plops the rather large chocolate covered monstrosity in Remy's mouth. Remy nearly chokes, but manages to control himself.

"Your guess is as good as mine," Logan answers Piotr.

"Remy beat y' both apart, Remy'll beat y' both together," he says suddenly.

"Guess not very long," Piotr says, in shock.

Logan has also acted rather surprised.

"Why won't Remy's arms move?" he asks.

"You have been mostly dead all day," Piotr replies.

"We had Miracle Bobby make a pill to bring ya back," Logan explains.

"Who are y'?" Remy asks. "Are we enemies? Why is Remy on dis wall? Where's Rogue?"

"Let me explain," Logan says, then he stops. "No, there's too much. Let me sum up. Rogue is marrying Scooterdinck in little less than half an hour, bub. So, all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, and make our escape after I kill Count Wagner."

"Dat doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying," Remy says, watching his finger. It twitches.

"You have just viggled your finger," Piotr exclaims. "That's vonderful."

"Remy's always been a quick healer," he claims, then turning to Logan, asks, "what are our liabilities?"

"There is but one working castle gate," Logan answers and he and Piotr lift Remy just enough so he can see it. "And it is guarded by. . . sixty men."

"And our assets?" Remy asks.

"Your brains, Piotr's strength, my steel," Logan says confidently.

Remy looks stunned. "Dat's it? Impossible. If Remy had a month to plan, maybe he could come up with somet'ing. But dis. . ." he shakes his head from side to side.

"Your just shook your head," Piotr says, trying to cheer him up. "Doesn't that make you happy?"

"Remy's brains, his steel, and y'r strength, against sixty men, and y' t'ink a little head jiggle is supposed t' make Remy happy? Remy mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, dat would be somet'ing."

"Where did we put that wheelbarrow Pietro had?" Logan asks Piotr.

"Over Pietro, I zhink," is the answer.

"Well, why didn't y' list dat among our assets in de first place? What Remy wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak," he states.

"There we can't help ya, bub," Logan says.

"Vill zhis do?" Piotr says, pulling one out from under his shirt. It's a very large black cloak that is highly flame retardant.

"Where did you get that?" Logan asks, bewildered.

"At Miracle Bobby's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it."

"Took me a while to find that off Ebay, too," Bobby mutters, but is quickly shushed by the rest of the cast.

"All right. All right. Help Remy up," Remy says, which they do. "Now, Remy'll need a sword eventually."

"Why?" Logan asks, "You can't even lift one."

"True, but dat's hardly common knowledge, is it?" Remy's head falls limply forward. Piotr lifts it back up. "T'ank you. Now, dere may be problems once we're inside."

"I'll say," Logan begins. "how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape?"

"Do not pester him," Piotr snaps. "He has had a hard day."

"Right, right, sorry, bub," Logan says.

They travel along the wall for a while before Piotr says, "Logan?"

"What?"

"I hope ve vin."

The All Important Piece of Black Paper is placed over the lens.

"This is ridiculous," Raven moans.

"It wasn't that bad. . ." Lightning sticks up for the three actors.

"I was talking about the next scene. . ." Raven groans. All four directors shiver. The All Important POBP is removed and the camera reveals Rogue and Scott alone in a bedroom. Rogue is dressed in a beautiful wedding dress and is acting perfectly calm, though, on the inside she is sending death glares at the directors.

Scott fastens a pearl necklace around her neck. "You don't seem excited, my little muffin," he manages, ignoring the angry look in Jean's eyes.

"Should Ah be?" Rogue growls.

"Brides often are, I'm told," he states.

"Ah do not marry tonight," Rogue says firmly. "My Remy will save me."

The POBP returns and is removed when Remy, Logan and Piotr are looking down at Evan and the sixty extras. Logan and Piotr shake hands. Remy manages to rock his arm back and forth enough to catapult it onto the top of the other's hands.

And then the POBP returns. Everyone rushes to the chapel of the palace set, where Forge is standing in a rather impressive looking clergyman outfit, with a rather tall and ridiculous hat. Most of the cast is laughing at him. He just rolls his eyes, refusing to speak until he has too. The POBP is removed and the scene starts.

Scott and Rogue are kneeling in front of Forge. Mystique and Magneto sit behind them, and Kurt sits in the back. Forge clears his throat and makes sure the speech impediment device is on. Then, he begins to speak. "Mawidge," he says, and then pauses. "Mawidge is what bwings us togewer today."

"You've got to be kidding me," laughs Bobby.

The four directors turn and glare at him.

"What?" he laughs again. "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"Amara," Raven says meaningfully.

"With pleasure," she says grinning and shoots a wave of lava at Bobby's butt.

"Ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot!" he bounces around until he finds a bucket of water and sits in it. Steam comes from the bucket. "Ahhh!" He then proceeds to cool the temperature of the water until he butt stops hurting.

"Now," CF groans, "can we continue?"

"Please do," TM says. "Forge."

"Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam. . ." Forge continues, very slowly.

From off stage, a loud commotion is heard and then Evan speaks into the microphone. "Stand your ground, men. Stand your ground."

The POBP returns as we head back to the other set, where Evan and the sixty extras are pointing and running around frantically. The POBP is removed and Evan yells once again, "Stand your ground."

A giant seems to be floating towards them, wearing a strange dark cloak and speaking with a voice that could crumble walls. "I AM ZHE DREAD PIRATE SINISTER!" The giant says, who is actually Piotr, wearing and the holocaust cloak and standing on the wheelbarrow as Logan, with Remy draped across his shoulders, pushes it. "ZHERE VILL BE NO SURVIVORS!"

"Now?" Logan asks Remy.

"Not yet," Remy answers.

Piotr continues, "MY MEN ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU VILL NOT BE HERE!"

Evan tries to order the extras around, but they are too frightened. Like they'd listen to Evan anyway.

"Now?" Logan asks again.

"Light him," Remy says.

And Logan sets Piotr's holocaust cloak on fire. The extras are frozen in fear as Piotr continues to float towards them and shouts, "ZHE DREAD PIRATE SINISTER TAKES NO SURVIVORS! ALL YOUR VORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE!"

The scene changes back to the chapel, where Forge is enjoying his part, "And wuv, twoo wuv, wiw fowwow you fowever."

Scott can hear the commotion going on outdoors. He nods at Kurt, who leaves with several guards.

Back outside, Piotr is covered in flames, much to the delight of Pyro and CF. He shouts out, "ZHE DREAD PIRATE SINISTER IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!"

That is too much for the extras. They scream and run off in a panic. Evan shouts out, "Stay where you are! I said, stay where you are!"

Back in the chapel, Forge's ridiculous speech continues. "So, tweasuwe your vruv. . ."

Scott interrupts him. "Skip to the end."

Forge, with a slight laugh, asks, "Have you the wing?"

Scott pulls out the ring. Rogue looks over at him triumphantly, "Here comes my Remy now."

Back outside, the extras are gone. Piotr takes off the cloak and jumps down from the wheelbarrow. Evan closes the portcullis.

"Piotr, de portcullis," Remy orders.

Piotr turns to metal under his clothes and grabs the portcullis. He lifts it back up, much to Evan's dismay.

Back in the chapel, Scott shoves the ring on Rogue's gloved finger. "Your Remy is dead," he announces. Rogue just smiles and shakes her head. "I killed him myself."

Without missing a beat, Rogue replies, "Then why is there fear behind yer eyes?"

Scott does indeed look frightened, although it's a common sight around the set by now.

Back outside, Evan is pressed against the gate. Logan, carrying Remy, and Piotr come closer.

"Give us de gate key," Remy orders.

"I have no gate key," Evan lies.

"Piotr," Logan grins, "tear his arms off."

Piotr takes a step forward.

"Oh, you mean this gate key," the coward Evan says, pulling it out.

Back in the chapel, Forge is continuing the ceremony. "And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup…"

Scott interrupts again, "Man and wife, say man and wife!"

"Man and wife," Forge says, rather confused.

Scott whirls around and practically throws Rogue at Mystique and Magneto. "Escort the bride to the Honeymoon Suite. I'll be there shortly." Rogue shudders at the very thought. Jean is turning redder than her hair used to be. Scott points to the script and shrugs, before leaving the set in a hurry.

Rogue stands there dazed, "He didn't come."

The POBP returns and is removed as Kurt and four guards head down a hallway. They stop suddenly at an intersection of corridors, as they see Remy, Logan, and Piotr coming towards them. Technically, Piotr is dragging Remy, who is dragging Evan's cardboard sword.

Kurt, with an odd look on his blue furry face, says, "Kill ze dark vun, and ze giant, but leave ze zird for questioning."

And as his Warriors attack, Logan goes wild, and maybe the warriors are good, maybe they're even better than that, but they never get a chance to show it because this is something now, this is Logan gone mad and the two-fingered sword has never flashed faster and the fourth warrior is dead before the first one has even hit the floor. There is a pause. Then, Logan says, softly, remembering that Raven is still holding the button to the electric shock device in his costume, "Hello, my name is Logan Howlett. You killed my father, prepare to die."

Kurt stands there for a moment, then he does something unexpected. He turns and runs away like mad. (This is also what's known as pulling a 'Spyke Trick', running away like a coward.)

Logan stands there for a second, then takes after him. Remy and Piotr look at each other.

Kurt runs through a doorway and closes a big solid oak door and locks it. Logan reaches it and bangs on it. "Piotr, I need you! Wait, why can't I just use my claws?"

"Because we said so!" The directors yell, causing Scott to scream in terror.

"And because I'm holding this little remote," Raven says grinning.

"I think that remote is giving you too much power," Lightning groans.

"Oh you do, do you?" Raven claims, her eyes glowing, as she sends her boyfriend through a brick wall.

"I'm okay. . ." he says as he stands up, wobbly.

TM rolls her eyes at Raven. "We don't have time for you two to start fighting. We've got a play to put on."

Raven glares, but settles down.

Logan groans, and redoes his line. "Piotr, I need you!"

Piotr calls back, "I cannot leave him alone!"

Logan is desperately pounding on the door, "He's getting away from me, Piotr! Please, Piotr!"

Piotr looks at Remy and props him against a large suit of armor, "I vill be right back." He takes off towards Logan's voice.

Logan is still pounding against the door as Piotr walks up. He gestures for Logan to stop, turns his hand to metal and pounds the door once. It collapses.

"Thank you, bub," Logan says.

Logan takes off through the door, and Piotr heads back to Remy.

The POBP returns as we head to a different hallway. It's removed to find Mystique leading Rogue and Magneto. Rogue is holding onto Magneto's arm.

"Strange wedding," Magneto says.

"Yes, a very strange wedding. Come along," Mystique replies.

"Wait!" CF calls out. She hurries to the stage to give Rogue her power inhibitor. "Okay, continue!"

Rogue stops Magneto and kisses his forehead.

"What was that for?" the megalomaniac asks.

Rogue gags on the next words, but manages to say them. "Because. . . ya've. . . always been so. . . kind ta me. And Ah won't be seeing y'all again since Ah'm killin' myself once we get ta the Honeymoon Suite."

Magneto is pretending to be deaf, "Won't that be nice?" Though he doesn't really need to be deaf to say something that rude. He turns to Mystique. "She kissed me," he says with a laugh.

"And cut!" CF calls out, taking Rogue's power inhibitor away.

"Glad that's over," Raven groans.

"It wasn't that bad," Lightning lies.

"Do you want to go through that wall again?" Raven asks.

"Maybe I do," Lightning laughs.

Raven glares at him. "You're doing this just to annoy me."

"So what if I am?" he asks.

TM looks at CF, "It's best to ignore them when they get like this."

"I kinda figured that out myself," CF agrees, sipping her Pepsi.

Evan runs by, followed by a bunch of squirrels. "Not again!"

TM looks at CF. CF looks at TM. They both start laughing.

And we will leave it there.

**REVIEW THREATS: **

**_CF: Do you really want to end up like Evan? No, I didn't think so. Please review! _**

TM: But it wouldn't be just squirrels. . . it would be fairies that shoot sparks out of their wands at you. . . So, um, you had better review. Oi, to end up like Evan. . . it's a fate worse than death. . .


	10. Chapter 9: The Thrilling Conclusion

**Disclaimer: We don't own X-men Evolution, but TM owns herself, the DPD, Raven, and Lightening and obviously CF owns herself, and the squirrels.**

**TM:does happy dance read the following. . . But I'm sorry too.**

CF: (hangs head in shame) I don't even have words for how sorry I am! It's totally my fault this hasn't been updated in so long. Especially with this chapter being the thrilling conclusion! (turns red) I hope you all enjoy the chapter. And as for the Scott torture…I have the highest respect for Scott, really I do. He's just amazingly fun to torture. I shall go hide under a rock now.

**Chapter 9—The Thrilling Conclusion!**

Rogue is busy trying to avoid the clutches of the four directors for the final scenes of the movie. TM figures that because Rogue inadvertently won the directors money in the Rogue and Remy fight, the least she can do is let the girl sulk in peace (whereas normally she'd let CF try some loud, very off-key singing to wake Rogue right up for the next few scenes). CF is petting a squirrel, which in turn is glaring at Evan. Raven and Lightning are avidly discussing the next scene.

"Alright!" Raven stands up and claps her hands together. "This movie can _finally_ be finished, so don't mess it up or else I'll throw you all through multiple walls."

"Hey, I thought you only threw me through walls!" Lightning protests, looking a little put out. Raven glares at him, and raises her hand to perform the action, when TM tries to divert the fight.

"Um, I think we should begin filming!" she says, sitting down in her chair and turning the camera on. "Lights, camera, ACTION! I'm going to miss that phrase…"

The scene opens with Kurt running like a madman through the halls of the castle. He looks behind him, and sure enough, Logan is running after him just as quickly. Meanwhile, Piotr is looking at the large suit of armor where he had left Remy. He looks around at all the halls and groans.

"Dat's what y' get for befriendin' a master o' stealth," Remy starts to brag, but Raven glares at him and he shuts up. On stage, Kurt runs through a door and waits with a fake plastic collapsible dagger. Once Logan runs through the door, Kurt throws the dagger, and thanks to Pietro rushing in and grabbing it so it hits Logan and not the fake window nearby, it appears to land deep in Logan's stomach. Logan winces, one eye always on Raven's shock device, falling back against the wall, eyes glazing over as ketchup—er, blood, pours out of his 'wound'.

"I'm beginning to enjoy this for the first time," Mystique comments idly.

Kurt looks at Logan closely, and then smirks in memory.

"You must be zat little Canadian brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago…"

"There are like a billion things wrong with that sentence," Bobby says. "Canadians are cool, and Wolverine's way older than Kurt. But he is short." He catches Logan's death glare. "Zipping lips now."

"It's simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think zat's ze worst thing I've ever heard, other than Kitty making dinner. How marvelous." Logan collapses on the floor.

Meanwhile, Rogue is in her room with the power negater on her wrist. She draws out a very deadly looking, one-hundred-per-cent-tin-foil dagger from a random box, and places it to her throat.

"Dere's not many women in dis world wit' perfect skin, would be a shame to damage yours, _chere_," Remy grins and winks from where he lies on the bed, next to Evan's sword. Rogue glares at him as she's rushing over to kiss him.

"Oh, Remy," she says, inwardly gagging at the sappy lines. Remy, trying to suppress his smirk, doesn't move, because according to his script he's supposed to look 'weak and unable to move'. "Remy, why won't ya hold me?"

"Gently," Remy mutters.

"At a time like this, this is all ya can think of to say?"

"Gently!" Rogue lets go, and Remy hits his head on the headboard rather painfully.

The camera switches to a close-up on Kurt, who is looking as surprised as someone without pupils can.

"Are you still trying to win?" he asks in disbelief, looking at Logan, who is struggling to his feet, pulling the dagger from his wound, and holding his hand over his stomach. Kurt raises his sword and moves in to stab Wolverine. "You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance, it's going to get you into trouble someday. Not like it doesn't already," the blue mutant adds, before he strikes at Wolverine. Amazingly, Logan parries the blows so that they hit his shoulders and not his heart. Then, Logan makes a move back, a flick of his sword towards Kurt, who jumps back with an involuntary cry of surprise.

"Hello," Logan rasps, pushing off of the wall unsteadily. "My name is Logan Howlett, you killed my father. Prepare to die." Kurt is obviously very frightened, and he begins to wave his sword at Logan, who somehow manages to block every attack. "Hello, my name is Logan Howlett, you killed my father, prepare to die," Logan repeats again, louder this time.

"Stop saying zat!" Kurt cries, looking more than obviously very frightened. He tries to retreat around the table (instead of doing the smart thing and racing out of the room), but Logan dives for Kurt, wounding him in both shoulders, exactly where Logan's cuts are.

"Hello, my name is Logan Howlett, you killed my father, _prepare to die!_"

"No--!" Kurt yelps. Under his breath he mutters, "not like I couldn't just teleport away…"

"Offer me money." A slash appears along Kurt's cheek as the six-fingered sword waves. With another strike, despite Kurt's pleading, a slash appears along Kurt's other cheek as Wolverine says, "power too, promise me that—everything I ask for—"

"All that I have and more, please, anything you want!" Kurt yells in panic. Wolverine narrows his eyes as he yells, driving the sword at an angle so it looks like he's just stabbed Kurt.

"I want my father back, you son of a—"

"Language!" Jamie yells, so loudly that it might be heard in the scene. Raven glares evilly at him, eyes glowing.

"You can't throw a little kid through a wall," TM reminds her, "especially if you don't want fifty of him running around this place."

"Good point." Seconds later, there is a cry and a sound of smashing as Scott gets hurled through a wall instead.

On stage, Kurt crumples to the floor, eyes wide and staring, even if he can't look that pale with his fur. Fake blood runs down from the equally fake cuts on his face. Wolverine grins.

"I can feel the love," CF mutters right before the scene switches. Remy is still lying on the bed, Rogue alongside the bed, watching him. "Now I _can_ feel the love."

"Remy, will ya ever forgive me?" Rogue asks.

"What hideous sin have y' committed lately?" Remy replies, puzzled.

"Ah got married. Ah didn't want to, but it all happened so fast."

"It never happened."

"What? But Ah was there! This old, disco-obsessed man said 'man an' wife'. "

"Did y' say 'I do'?"

"We sorta skipped that part, actually," Rogue says, her expression growing lighter. Now she doesn't even have to _pretend_ she's married to Scott.

"Den y're not married. If y' didn't say it, y' didn't do it—isn't dat right, y'r Majesty?" Remy turns his stare towards the doorway, where Scooterdinck is standing, sword drawn.

"A technicality that will shortly be remedied," Scott says. "But first…to the death!" he yells dramatically.

"_Non,_" Remy says. "T' de pain." Scott stops short in bewilderment.

"I'm not quite familiar with that phrase."

"I'll explain den. And I'll use small words so y' know what I'm talkin' about, y' warthog-faced buffoon," Remy smirks as giggle and snickers are heard off-stage.

"That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me," Scott says.

"To your face," Pyro snickers.

"It won't be de last. To de pain means the first thing y' lose will be your feet, below the ankles, den your hands at the wrists, next y'r nose."

"And then my tongue, I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight."

"I wasn't finished. De next thing you lose will be y'r left eye, followed by y'r right --"

"And then my ears, I understand, can we get on with it already?" Scott whines impatiently.

"Wrong! Y'r ears y' keep, and I'll tell y' why." Scott would have a look of fear in his eyes if anyone could see past the glasses. "So dat every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish -- every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?", not like dey don't already, will echo in your ears. Dat's what "to de pain" means. It means I leave y' in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

"I think you're bluffing," Scott says, trying to look brave.

"It's possible, pig – I might be bluffing— it's conceivable, y' miserable mass, dat 'm only lyin' here because I lack the strength to stand -- then again, perhaps I have the strength after all." Slowly, Remy pulls himself up from the bed. He stands, sword in fighting position. "_Drop y'r sword._" Scooterdinck panics and drops his sword. "Have a seat. Tie him up," he directs Rogue, "tight as y' like." As she goes to work, Logan runs in, his wound pretty much better.

"Where's Piotr?" Remy looks confused.

"I thought he was wit' you."

"Nope."

"In dat case--" Remy staggers.

"Help him," Wolverine growls toward Rogue, glaring at Remy with a look that says 'If-the-director-didn't-have-a-shock-device-I-would-never-have-said-that'.

"Why does Remy need helping?" Rogue asks, trying not to roll her eyes.

"Cause he has no strength." Scott begins to thrash in his bonds.

"I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing."

"Good boy, have a cookie," CF laughs from offstage.

"Shall I dispatch him for you?" Logan says, looking interested in the movie for the first time.

"_Oui—_er, t'anks, but _non._ I want him t' live a long life alone wit' his cowardice."

"Gee thanks," Scott says dryly, just as Piotr calls from outside to Logan.

"Stick to the script!" Raven and TM call at the same time. As Scott yelps and slumps in his chair, the other three head to the window. Piotr is standing on the ground next to four white special effect horses. Forge is crossing his fingers and muttering a prayer offstage.

"Ah, there you are, Logan!" Piotr calls with a big smile. "I saw the Prince's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady—hello, lady!— so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did," he adds.

"Tin Man, you actually did somethin' right," Logan grins.

"Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head." As he says this, Rogue, thanks to Jean's reluctant telekinesis, jumps out of the window, making it look like she's floating to the ground.

"You know, it's very strange," Logan says. "I've been in the revenge business so long, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

"Y' have a life?" Remy quips, then coughs. "I mean, uh, have y' ever considered piracy? Y'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Sinister." The camera cuts to the four white horses racing through the night—Forge is almost sobbing in relief that nothing's broken yet—and Remy and Rogue stop.

"They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Remy and Rogue knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other..." Rogue and Remy kiss again very happily, ignoring the cheers from the audience. Unfortunately, the camera moves off of them and onto the room where Jamie is sitting up in bed, looking at the Professor.

"What? What?"

"No, it's kissing stuff. You don't want to hear it."

"…Yes I do. It gives me blackmail material on Remy and Rogue. I mean…uh, I don't mind it so much."

"All right." Professor X opens the book again. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. The end." He closes the book with a snap as Remy and Rogue break off.

"Now, I think you ought to go to sleep."

"Like I can sleep with this noise!" Jamie protests, gesturing to the beginnings of the post-production celebration. "…but okay."

"Okay, okay, okay. All right. So long." The Professor wheels himself to the door.

"Professor? Um…maybe…maybe you could read it to me again, tomorrow?" The Professor smiles and gives Jamie a wise look on the way out.

"As you wish."

And with that…

"THE END!" everyone yells, including Scott, who promptly shudders at the synchronized yells.

The cast throw confetti and start dancing around. TM looks at CF, who is dancing merrily with Pyro. Needless to say, Wanda is glaring at them rather profusely. TM laughs and glances at Raven and Lighting who are once again arguing about how awful the last scene was. Then, TM picks up her Dr. Pepper and glances at her watch. "Uh oh, time to go!" She grabs the other three directors and drags them out of the studio. "Bye! See you, next time!" they all call.

That, of course, causes more screams to resound from the forever-branded Scooterdinck, right next to Evan's ears. Evan runs towards the door, partially deaf, straight into. . . (dun dun dun. . . ) The DPD!

"DPD! freeze!" Manning shouts.

"Uh, Manning. . ."

"What?" he says nervously.

"I think we missed them again. . ."

"Oh great. . ." Manning rolls his eyes, putting his gun away. "The chief'll have our heads for this one. . ."

They all leave, letting a sigh of relief pass through the cast.

And so the party continues, until Rogue says suddenly, "Did TM say there was gonna be a next time?"

A random squirrel, in full military gear, runs past holding a sign that says, "THIS REALLY IS THE END!"

* * *

**AN: We'd tell you what we were gonna do next, but we haven't decided. Don't worry, we'll keep you updated on our profiles. (insert evil grins here)**


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